What's in a Name?

(not the most interesting post, but a look-inside my classroom nonetheless)

Now, as the end of my stay looms near, I believe it's finally time to share one of the brightest joys of my teaching... My students' choice in English names. While I post these names because some of them amuse, while others cause may cause disbelief, it's important to understand the process by which they're arrived at. Each English major in my college is required to choose an English name at the beginning of their studies. There are several ways by which this is done, but nearly all of the students have absolutely no idea what name to pick, as per commonality, etc. Thus, many names are chosen from a variety of sources:

Literature - i.e. I have students named both Jane and Eyre, as well as Elizabeth, a la Lizzie Bennet of 'Pride and Prejudice.'

English /American Cinema - "I found my name in a film that was about a girl who fell in love." Somehow, this has led to a multitude of Jenny's, Annie's, and Ella's.

The Dictionary - Many of my students have Chinese-English dictionaries with a section on English names. Unfortunately, these sections don't say anything about the meaning of the names, nor the popularity/timeliness of it... Therefore, in every class I have 20 year old students named Alice, Ruth, Jean, Janet, Joan, Martin, Edward, Belinda, Melba, and my favorite... Fanny. (and yes, I realize these are the names of many of my relatives, but they are all over 35)

I Made My Own English Name! - This is how I found Henty, Wanny, Denty, Salida, Domy, and Kanony.

Seemingly Random Words, Used as Names - To be honest, these are some of my absolute favorites. Cry, Grape, Heaven (a boy), Tear, King (a girl and a boy), Germ, White, Tree, Spring, Summer, Dawn, Water, Sunshine (and they've never even heard of Haight-Ashbury!), Sunlight, Sunny, Skye (who sits next to Sunny), Iceless, Monkey, Seven, Star (another boy), Spark, and Doing.

Music/Pop Culture - Thanks to Pop Music from America (or is it Colombia?), Korea and China, I have students named Shakira, Rain and Sweet. I was also graced with the pleasure of one of my more shy Tibetan students approaching me to ask me if she could change her name to Beyonce.

Sports - Thank goodness for the NBA. Without it I wouldn't have a McGrady or an Alston, and I would be at a total loss without an Allen or two in every single class. A couple examples of the joy these names bring me:

Hilary: What's your English name?

Student: Kobe.

Hilary: Kobe like the beef, or Kobe like the alleged rapist? (I promise I only said this part to myself)

"Dear Teacher, I am ill and I would like to go rest so can I leave class early?
- #23 Allen Iverson"

And there you have it. In the meanwhile, I will do my best to keep occupied during my last couple months in China. My current modes of spending my copious free time include: sleeping, eating, and reading menus for the restaurants I plan to frequent when I get home. And of course, attempting to gather much more entertaining material for my next post... It would sure help pass the time if someone commented on my blog, and by someone, I mean anyone...Was that too subtle?

The Art of Chinese Conversation or Adventures With Tact

As some of you may have expected, the Chinese employ subtly different conventions when using English, which may catch a few native English speakers off guard. After having dinner with a Chinese couple, I've managed to gather a few examples...

Viola: Where is David?
Hilary: He's back in England.
Viola: So, he has left you all alone?
Hilary: Uh huh...

Mike: You know what? I've been a fan of the X-Files for many years.

Viola: My husband is a little fat and he is trying to lose weight, so every time someone says he looks a bit thinner, he is very excited. (Her husband is present when this is mentioned)

Viola: I think I will maybe find a handsome American boy while I am in America.
Mike:I will hire someone to check on my wife while she is in America. How do you say... an agent?

Viola: You look like you've put on some weight.

And I couldn't leave you without this tasty tidbit from one of my more soft-spoken students...

Hilary: What's your English name?
Student: Germ.
Hilary: Why'd you choose Germ as your English name?
Germ: Because I want to seep into the population's blood stream so that I can control them.
Hilary: Oh.

Finally, I offer yet another example of how my brain is rotting away:

After pondering a conversation in which a student said "I very much like music," I had to sit and think about whether or not 'much' was a word... My head hurts.

The long days of intense summer heat, and the lack of air conditioning in my classrooms, have only served to intensify my affinity for Tang. Ahhhh.

What do I like most about summer? Well, to put it simply, popsicles. The Chinese have nearly perfected the art of the popsicle with a myriad of flavors, shapes and textures. However, they still have a ways to go on the sewage and transportation systems.

The cost of living in the Shizz varies widely according to my cheese cravings. A simple lunch of an egg and veggie wrap, with a pineapple popsicle of course, only runs me 5 yuan. An all out binge at the World Trade Plaza, never complete without pillaging their tiny cheese selection, totals a whopping 98-120 yuan.

I managed to make it through my last weekend with Dave, which was incredibly enjoyable and heavy-hearted all at the same time. This was in part thanks to the company of his lovely parents, several beverages of choice, and the gorgeous surroundings of the Beijing Westin. It passed with only one case of food poisoning (Dave's) and several incidents of crying like it was my job. Now I'd like to take the time to share a few quotes from our weekend:

Friday afternoon, after early morning journeys on the train...
Dave: I may have stuck a Polo in my ear this morning.
Hilary: What's a Polo?
Dave: A breathmint.
Hilary: Oh...
Dave: I thought it was my iPod earphone...

Playing around in the pool...
Dave: Get on my shoulders!
Hilary: Okeydokey.
Monica: Can you put me on your shoulders too? Ste said he won't let me get on his shoulders!
Dave: No.

Wandering around Wangfujing...
Dave: Where's Mam?
Stephen: Looking at shoes...

Dinner and drinks were finished and it was time to head back to the hotel...
Dave: Well, it's time to make like a donkey's...willy, and hit the road.
Monica: I remember the first time I saw a horse's...

And finally...
Monica: You put any of this on your blog and you're in big trouble!

And in the interest of brevity, I'll cut this one short and leave you with one final thought. The FDA recently issued a consumer health warning advising against using toothpaste made in China... As if there's any other toothpaste readily available to me right now.

You know it's nearly summer in China when...

• ...the women have exchanged their knee-high black boots for strappy open-toed shoes (which are always to be worn with flesh-colored ankle socks).
• ...your students come to class in dresses straight out of the Barbie catalogue.
• ...your classroom could be easily mixed up with a sauna.
• ...the school's policy requiring teacher's to wear sleeved shirts seems like the cruelest form of torture possible.
• ...all you can think about is that long flight back to the Prairie and the joys of being able to buy a finely-aged cheddar without having to hop on a 3 hour train to Beijing.

Hey Hilary, what's been going on lately? Glad you asked!

-I just recently returned from an amazing three weeks of worldly traveling to realize I still have a month of teaching and no lesson plans in mind.

-I spent a weekend in Beijing being spoiled by Dave's parents and showered with Mojitos and Gin and Tonics, delicious!!

-I finally began to recover from a plague of mosquito bites and have now developed a rash. I managed to go see a doctor who gave me a prescription for some little white pills, which conveniently don't have an English translation.

-I got a second opinion on my rash and was told that it is a form of "speckles." Yes, Chinese medical terminology is just that advanced.

-I've been attacked by mosquitoes again. So, in addition to sweating profusely in the sweltering heat and trying my darnedest not to scratch my ever-so-attractive rash, I now have large red welts all over. I'm beginning to suspect the air-pollution makes the mosquito's toxin all the more deathly... not that I'm complaining.

Conversation of the Week

Random Chinese Girl: Excuse me, could you help me with something?
Hilary: Of course...
RCG: How do you spell the city of Canada called Toronto?

This conversation came as a shock to me for a few reasons:
1-I was drenched in rain and wandering around Guangzhou looking for an ATM with Dave.
2-I'm not used to Chinese people speaking English so well outside of the classroom.
3-I had smugly assumed she would be asking to take a picture with the token foreigners, not for spelling advice...My g-d I've turned into an arrogant snob!

One of the problems with finding hotels via the internet is the inability to really get a feel for their reputation. When we checked into our hotel in Nanning, we were quite pleased with our beautifully decorated surroundings. However, we arrived at our room to discover a variety of oils and other unmentionables on our bed stand, available for purchase from the hotel. It was then that the little lightbulb in my head put those items together, with the neighborhood we were in, and promptly started flashing a "Rooms for rent, by the hour" sign.

Traveling Firsts
-The amount of bug bites I managed to amass in such a short period of time. 4 in one sitting at the WC...hehe, WC!
-Being stuck in a tropical rainstorm every day, at the same time, for an entire week.
-Cockroaches as big as chihuahuas that seem to outnumber all residents of Southeast Asia.
...and my absolute favorite - The looks of bewilderment, and subsequent helplessness, across the faces of the Chinese people whose escalator had just stopped working. It took them a full minute to start walking down the newly-stationary stairs.

Well, I've been on a tropical island for the last few days and it only seems fair that I impart some of the valuable lessons that I've learned...

-I can withstand blisteringly hot temperatures, as long as there is below 30% humidity...In other words, Southern Thailand is not somewhere I could settle down. Kansas in May seems like a cool sip of Lipton's right now.


-There have been numerous casualties during my visits, mainly pertaining to my clothing and toiletries. Thus far, I've managed to lose the bug spray, a bottle of gin, and most of my composure.


-Thanks to the tropical rainstorms , and yes, I like to emphasize that I have been in a few tropical storms of late, I have lost 2 pairs of sandals. Apparently, wearing my Tevas out in the rain around Hanoi allowed them to collect various samples of many a stool. Vigorous washing did not prove successful. Mold, and then abandonment, ensued.

Since I'm not in Vietnam, I didn't just return from a fabulous 2 day cruise into Halong Bay. Although, I'm sure if I had just enjoyed a sun-filled weekend, amazing food, and a beautiful private cabin, I would never gloat about it on my blog. That would just be in poor taste.

-I must admit I feel rather slighted, never having enjoyed the wonder that is Vietnamese Chicken with Lemongrass and Chili. However, I could do without the torrential downpours that are predicted for the next week.

-As I was saying, it's more than refreshing to be surrounded by a language other than Chinese...And, despite my maturity, seeing a Vietnamese sign that reads "Duc Phuc" gives me the giggles.

-Among the fascinating new things I've not come across in Vietnam, the Elephant Cow is my favorite. Northern Vietnam is covered in beautiful green farmland, which is in turn covered with massive cows which appear to have the skin of elephants...My next task is to smuggle one home with me.

-I've recently been introduced to the phenomenon of Google Analytics. It's just perfect for someone like me, who compulsively likes to check how many people read their blog...So, I know there's a few of you out there, start posting comments!

It's a rainy day in the neighborhood...At least, that's if your neighborhood is Hanoi. Not that I'm in Hanoi, because I'm in America for Uncle Bob's wedding. I would never ever clandestinely take time off from work to hop borders in southeast Asia. So, I know offer you the musings of my alter-ego, who just happens to be traversing around Vietnam and Thailand. Vietnam is amazing. Just getting out of China in and of itself is a wondrous relief from the ordinary. Hanoi is just as busy as Beijing, but with even more deranged traffic. We've been offered to following advice for crossing busy streets: Just walk across slowly, but, whatever you do, don't stop. It's a real adrenaline rush after you escape several near-misses from more motorbikes than you can count on both hands. My first few days were spent sightseeing, stuffing myself, and dodging traffic.

The few things I've left to conquer include my fear of riding motorbikes, and the humid disaster that is my hair. My only hope now is that the day-long torrential rains might deter the cockroaches from skittering out of the sewers tonight. Oh, Vietnam!

An American Geography Lesson

The names in the following conversation have been changed to protect the participant's identity...and dignity.

Hilary: We're going to Hanoi first.
Shmemily: Oh cool!...Why is Hanoi popular?
H: It's the capital.
S: The capital of what?
H: Vietnam...
S: Really...What's Bangkok the capital of?
H: Thailand...
S: Really!

So, dearest reader, this will be my last post before my travels begin. I leave tomorrow for a brief three week journey to wonders outside the walls of China. Thank g-d. Before I depart, I'll leave you a few gems of insight.

-Apparently the only two things I learned during my 5 months in Australia were the proper use for "stubbies" and that the flag bears the Southern Cross. Literally, that's all I can remember.
-Most of us have heard that the water in China isn't exactly safe for drinking. Turns out, it isn't safe for goldfish either. Oops.
-There's nothing quite like the hodge podge of music that one hears in China. The Backstreet Boys is most popular, as always. But, just yesterday, I was lucky enough to enjoy a taxi ride serenaded by the gentle notes of House of Pain's 'Jump Around.' Not to be outdone, I also had the pleasure of hearing a student practice their harmonica in our dormitory.

Hilary: So, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask after class.
Student: Could you explain the grammatical significance of this passage in my book?
H: Hmmm...Not really.

-Without fail, the soundtrack to 'Forest Gump' is played on our school's broadcast system everyday at 4.
-It's obvious that China has taken its toll on my mental and physical well-being...Especially after I eat an entire bag of popcorn in one sitting...and then accidentally eat a chocolate bar. Have to look good for those Thai beaches!!
-Most food products in China don't have their expiration dates listed, only production dates...So, if anyone could please tell me the shelf life for peach yogurt, I'd really save myself some unsavory morning surprises.

One morning, Someone Else (I swear, it wasn't me!) was waiting for their chauffeured ride to their second job. However, this morning was different from all those other early Friday's because the driver was 10 minutes late...This would have been easily dismissed, but, the driver was then 20 minutes late to pick up Someone Else later that afternoon.
Ms. Liu: (via mobile phone) The driver will be there in 10 minutes. Please wait.
Someone Else: Okay.
ML: (in person) The driver wants me to tell you that he is sorry.
SE: It's okay.
ML: He was very drunk last night and this morning he was very tired. He hopes you will understand.
SE: Of course...

And with that, I'm off to my home for Cousin Bob's three week's of wedding festivities... Check back soon because I just may keep you informed of Someone Else's adventures in Vietnam and Thailand!

-Apparently the memo has gone out because the Chinese appear to have finally stopped wearing their long underwear. I guess the weather had to make the jump from a chilly 80 to a sweltering 85 degrees for the ordinance to take effect.
-I may just have to pull my hair out if forced to attempt to acquire train tickets at the Beijing West Station again...it reminds me a lot of the outer circles of Purgatory.
-My TV hasn't been turned on in two months thanks to the abundance of pirated DVD's and the lack of decent programming on the fabulous CCTV 9 (the only English language station, which shows the same programs every 3 hours)...oh, CCTV, how I loathe thee!
-Spring has finally hit the Shizz in full force. The weather is lovely, for the most past, and there are blue skies every few days. The trees are blooming with milkweed and even some gorgeous pink blossoms...This, of course, means it's time for the City Works Department to come and cut all the branches off the trees again. Oh, China.

Knock Knock

Unknown Knocker: (knocks)
Hilary: (briskly crosses the foyer, opens door)
That One Guy: Hello. Hilary.
Hilary: Hi?
TOG: They [the Furies] want to know if they can come put some poison in your room.
Hilary: Okay...

Yes, that's how my Monday evening began. I promise, it's not as bad as it seems...well, sorta. Ever since I returned from my spring travels, my kitchen has been haunted by cockroaches, which were referred to by TOG as "black beetles," in a rather nonchalant manner that infuriated me. His visit was to inform me that my university has finally purchased some serious anti-insect stuff for my apartment...It only took 3 months, which is pretty fast when you consider the bureaucracy that makes China tick! You may wonder how I've survived these last months with a kitchen infested with Satan's spawn. It's really quite simple, my desire to eat slightly outweighs my fear of roaches. The only damage done so far is my anxiety attacks upon entering my kitchen, and roach guts on the bottom of my fluffy slippers...Yum.

Please stay tuned because I may just get off my ass and write something else in the next few days. No promises though.

It's A Miracle!!!

It was nigh improbable, but it has finally happened...A slight motivation to post on my blog has finally coincided with my internet actually functioning. And they said it would never happen...I returned from over 3 weeks of world travelling and arrived to an apartment that had not been cleaned in a month and a roach problem. I accredit this entirely to the Furies, who decided that my apartment need not be cleaned if I wasn't there to see it. Cheers mates. Let's see... I do believe my last post was from Shenzhen. Since sitting down and writing a post is equivalent to pulling out my own teeth, I'll just share the necessary highlights and intimate details of my travels.

After taking a 22 hour train from Shijiazhuang, we arrived in Guangzhou. We had a mere matter of hours to find a commuter train that would take us from Guangzhou to Shenzhen, so we stumbled off the train and started following the throngs in front of us. After a few minutes of bewilderment we heard someone up ahead to the left screaming about Shenzhen on a megaphone. After locating the ticket office for the commuter train I noticed that the person on the megaphone was rather talkative, annoyingly so even. Upon inspection, I discovered that it was actually two train station employees talking to each other, each on a megaphone, less than 10 feet apart. My head nearly exploded.

Well, we made it to Shenzhen safely, and in one piece, although I certainly can't say the same for most of our luggage. Apparently I had a little too much confidence in my 3 dollar suitcase that I purchased from a small storage unit/"store" in the small market next to my school. Within less than a week one of the wheels had somehow retracted inside the suitcase, rendering it into a one-wheeled wonder...or just a giant piece of crap. You really get what you pay for...damn. From Shenzhen we took an early morning ferry to Macau. It was great to be on the water, although the water was basically the color of asphalt. Oh, China.

We disembarked in Macau and were pleasantly surprised to recieve even more stamps in our passports than anticipated. Exiting the ferry terminal we noticed two things: 1) The weather was now a balmy 70 degrees and 2) the cars were on the wrong side of the street. The latter was only obvious after: looking left, stepping into the street, and instantaneous shock,which was accompanied by blaring horns and the sudden realization of our imminent demise. Oh, Macau. In this 'semi-autonomous' region they not only drive the wrong way, but they also speak Portuguese. It was quite an exciting change of pace not to hear Chinese coming from every direction...not to say that Chinese isn't the most pleasant and wondrously musical of languages. After being ripped off unbelievably at the food court of Macau's beautiful airport, we took our newly exchanged Thai Baht and settled down to wait for our plane.

Bangkok. Apparently they drive the wrong way in Thailand as well, but luckily we had practiced looking right, then left, in Macau. Within 30 minutes of arriving in the 'City of Angels,' I had managed to swipe my jeans for a breezy summer skirt, simply because I could do so without risk of frostbite. We managed to make it to our hostel in Bangkok without getting ripped off by the taxi driver as we had feared. However, it was a little difficult to find our new lodgings having only the few directions we had skimmed from the internet, which told us the hostel was "next to the Seven Eleven." (Note to readers: Do not stay at Big John's Backpacker Hostel unless you like rooms the size of closets, filthy bathrooms, and a jerk of an owner.) Little did we know, everything in Thailand is next to a Seven Eleven. It's a government mandate that there must be no fewer than 2 of said establishments on each side of one city block. That's a lot of convenience for one city! It was in the 'lobby' of Big John's that it dawned on me I would need to work on my conversation skills...This occurred to me after having met a young man from Sweden and immediately asking him his thoughts on the wonder that is IKEA. We had been advised that Bangkok's pollution was 'absolutely terrible.' This turned out to be an exaggeration seeing as Bangkok's air on a bad day is still better than that of Shijiazhuang's on a good day. We managed to bum around Bangkok for a bit, even visiting the world's biggest mosaic, comprised entirely by pieces of broken mirrors and ceramic bowls, aka The Grand Palace. It was incredibly beautiful, and rather shiny.

After 3 days of the country's capital we hopped on a train to Pattaya and arrived mid-afternoon. We boarded an open-air taxi, aka pick-up truck with bench seats in the bed, in preparation of being whisked off to our new accommodations. As we got into the city we noticed that the city of Pattaya certainly had a lot going for it in terms of beaches, restaurants, and bars and clubs...and Ladyboys. We spotted our first Ladyboy as they were weaving in out of traffic behind us on a motor scooter. It was the adam's apple that gave it away...And the masculine jaw. However, the taxi didn't stop in that ever-so attractive part of town...It kept driving, and driving...and driving, until we reached the edge of town, where our hotel was located. Okay, I exaggerate. We weren't on the edge of town, just really really close to it. (Note to readers: Do stay at the Jomtien Cozy Inn if you want an incredibly helpful and friendly staff.) We had fed ourselves, piled on SPF 8, met the Ladyboy cashier at the local Seven Eleven, and found a spot on the beach all by 3 o'clock. During the next couple days I accomplished several miraculous tasks: a searing sunburn, discovering the wonder that is Tom Kha Gai, spending an outrageous amount of money, and holding a lemur. In the words of myself, it was Friggin Awesome. After 3 days of Ladyboy and Hooker spotting, we dragged our suitcases along the scorching asphalt for several kilometers, on a scorching 95 degree afternoon, and caught a bus to Rayong.

We knew Rayong was known for its' beaches and not its' tourist attractions, so we hit the beach ASAP. I noticed that the beaches were different than those of Pattaya in that the sand seemed to have a strange texture...There seemed to be random holes all over the beach, surrounded by tiny rice-sized pellets of sand... And thus I encountered the crabs. From that point on, I no longer felt safe on the beach and had to stave off near-panic attacks every time I had to walk across that infested sand...My frail heart is not equipped for anything with an exoskeleton (other than a ladybug). After a few days of sunbathing and relaxing in Rayong, it was time to move on.

Somehow, we made it through several buses, taxis, and even a ferry and found ourselves on the lovely island of Koh Chang. Yes, I was on a tropical island. TROPICAL. We arrived at our beachfront bungalow at about 7 in the evening. Did I mention we had a Beachfront Bungalow? It was amazing, despite the ant infestation in the bathroom. Our time in Koh Chang passed in a relaxing blur of shopping, eating and sun-bathing. Our resort had a yummy restaurant and a wonderful waiter who could have been a voice-double for Fez from That 70's Show...Every morning we could count on him for a sweetly effeminate 'Good-morning' and even had the delight of hearing him practice his English by reading aloud a dialogue about interesting Pop Music. Maybe you just had to be there... Unfortunately, the beach by our resort was even more crab-laden than that in Rayong (I'm saying you can't walk on the beach without stepping on a tinyevilcrab...), and I was forced to sun-bathe next to the gorgeous Infinity pool that was a mere 20 feet from the Gulf of Thailand. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make... We managed to spend even more money on amazing jewelry and Chang Beer t-shirts and even found an Italian bakery where we could buy a hunk of Parmigiano Reggiano and ciabatta for 1 USD. On our last night we ventured to a little Italian restaurant, or trattoria, named Invito. The atmosphere was perfect...The night sky and warm ocean breeze were only slightly sullied by the bar full of hookers, next door, dancing and singing drunkenly to Sean Paul and Jay-Z.

In the end, facing the disaster that is the Chinese Train System, we chose to book a flight from Shenzhen to Macau and fore go the 20+ hours of train rides it would take to get home. However, I was a little careless with booking our flight and the flight time and the ferry-times didn't quite line up...Therefore, we had the privilege of walking over the Chinese border from Macau into Shenzhen. This was pretty cool for two reasons: 1) we were going across a national border on foot and 2) we had been under the impression Macau was an island...All I'll say is that maps can be difficult to read.

And now, here I am, back in the Shizz... What can I say that I've learned from my travels?

• It's incredibly difficult to use the bathroom on a Thai bus while it's moving, but it can be done.
• There are few things that can match the entertainment value and awe of spotting Ladyboys, especially when they hit on your male friends...
• The King of Thailand seems to be quite popular with his citizens.
• If a Thai woman is unusually beautiful, chances are that She's really a He.
• Although the food in Thailand is infinitely more varied and delicious than that of China, I still found myself craving fried rice and noodles at all hours of the day.
• There's always room for one more t-shirt in my suitcase.

GREETINGS FROM SHENZHEN!!!

We took a 10:30 AM train from Shijiazhuang, got to Guangzhou 22 hours later, then took a 1.5 hour train to Shenzhen and somehow managed to arrive intact at our hostel (although our luggage has suffered some collateral damage). Tomorrow it's an 8:15 AM ferry to Macau and a 2 PM flight to Bangkok...I am packing a skirt in my carry on and plan on wearing it within the first hour in Bangkok! To be continued...

I'm a travelling fool!

Here's the spring vacation travel itinerary for all of my relatives, friends, and internet stalkers out there:
January 22-27 The lovely mountains of Chengde (noted for their beauty and extreme COLDNESS)
February 2 - Train from Shijiazhuang to Guangzhou (A mere 20 hours! If only I had some Ambien... )
Feb. 3-4 - Making our way from Guangzhou to Shenzhen, then to Macau! (This is an island in the south of China, which I am hoping will be absolutely infested with those Macau birds. However, being somewhat underdeveloped in the "international know-how" department, this island may have absolutely nothing to do with those giant, fierce birds. ~5 minutes later~ I just checked Google...I was thinking of Macaws...Or Toucans... It's like you can just hear the wheels in my head turning slowly, very slowly.)
Feb. 4 - Air Asia flight from Macau to Bangkok (Macau's currency is the MOP, which stands for Macau Osomething Pataca...Whatever this "pataca" is - it sounds delicious and I'll have two)
Feb. 4-6ish - Bumming around Bangkok and trying not to get blatantly cheated out of our hard earned money.
Feb ish-18ish - Wandering around Central Thailand in search of: picture perfect beaches, legendary "Lady Men,'" and a gorgeous, flesh charring, tan. At this point in time, I feel it absolutely necessary to quote my father: "Most people don't realize it, but a tan is actually just the appearance of dead DNA in your skin, having been fried by UV Rays." I may have paraphrased.
Feb. 19 - Air Asia flight from Bangkok back to Macau.
Feb. 20th... - Who knows!!! From that point on we'll: slowly work our way back up from Macau, maybe stop by Hong Kong, most likely spend a lot of money, definitely spend all too much time on the absolutely terrible Chinese train system, and get schnockered.
Sometime in March - Returning to teaching. Cough Cough. English Corner will resume in March. Huzzah!

Now you must ask yourself... "Why did Hilary really divulge, in intricate detail, all of her travel plans?" And I shall answer your query. I shared this with you for the soul purpose of making you jealous of my 3 weeks of tropical island hopping madness! No thanks are necessary, it was a pleasure.

The state of my utilities...aka 'Pipe Problems'
-A few months ago I was taking a nap, as I often do. I was awakened by the sound of rushing water. I figured it was just the toilet running and fell back asleep to the soothing white noise. I was awakened 10 minutes later by a knocking on the door. On my way to the door, I walked by my bathroom and happened to notice a large pipe gushing water onto the floor at a rate of at least a few gallons a minute. It was a refreshing break in routine to say the least.
-I tend to put off doing my dishes. That's an understatement. So when I finally get around to it, I usually have to put in a good amount of time at the sink in my pink rubber gloves. One such evening, after having washed all 6 of the plates in my apartment, and various forks, knives, bowls, and chopsticks, I happened to notice that I was standing in a good inch of water. It turns out I can go for a solid 20 minutes before realizing that I am being surrounded by an ever expanding pool of water, which has several electrical appliance cords sitting in it...The situation was "remedied" when The Furies came with a mop in hand. However, Chinese mop technology is somewhat below par. Thus, the water was advanced from "puddle form" to "covering the entire kitchen floor" form.

I tend to "space out" every now and then...And when I realize where I am and what I am doing in this country, I'm always pleasantly suprised that my head doesn't explode from the shock.

Things that wake me up from well deserved naps:

• The loud speakers on campus blaring Celine Dion, Chinese Propaganda Overtures, and the Backstreet Boys.
• Cats. Cats who like to consummate their love. Again. And again. And again.
• Live artillery fire.
• The burning desire to...eat.

Apparently water is good for you. Too bad I don't like to drink it. Although, thanks to the toxicity of Chinese tap water, and my near-dehydration, I have forced my self to drink at least 2 cups of day. And thanks to Tang, it's bearable.

I am considering moving my computer to my bedroom, but then I would miss out on whatever exercise I get from walking between my bed and the sacred internet...Oh yes, I do burn a lot of calories strolling to the fridge.

Writer's block and sheer laziness have certainly been taking their toll. For the past few weeks I have been vegging out and watching the fifth season of West Wing. I've also managed to stuff myself at the TGI Friday's in Beijing and accidentally buy four pairs of shoes. Oops.

There are certain things you can do in China, that you can't do in America, and vice versa. It is these few niceties that make life all the more interesting, and beautiful.
Things you can only do in China:
-Stare at the sun for as long as you like, without damaging your retinas. As far as I can see, this may be the only benefit of the horrendous levels of pollutants that lead to dense grey smog.
-Feed 6 people a filling and sumptuous meal for under 7 US dollars.

-Comfortably pick your nose, hock loogies, urinate, and defecate in public.
-Buy movies before they hit theaters in the US. Thanks to this, and the abundance of Chinese food, everyday is Christmas for me.

Things you can do in the States, but certainly not in China:
-Cross the street safely.
-Start a war with Iraq.
-Speak your mind without fear of government reprisal.
-Eat General Tsao's Chicken.

Conversation of the Week:

(The following took place in a McDonald's, during lunch rush. The dialogue and names have been modified for my own amusement, but honestly reflect the content of the orignal exchange.)
Crock: I'm suprised none of us have gotten lice yet.
Jilary: Why on earth did you say that?
Crock: Well, everyone here seems to have it.
Jilary: I have no idea why you are saying this.
Crock: They all have those little white things in their hair!
Jilary: That's dandruff.
Crock: (Brief Silence) ...It looks like they have legs...

Update: China? Still here. Still bored.
Epiphany of the week: I was dining at the Kaixuanjinyue Grand Hotel when I spotted a fruit selection at the buffet. I recognized some tiny oranges that I had seen a girl eating, by the pound, on the train from Beijing about a week earlier. I decided to go a little crazy and try these miniature curiosities at the same time wondering what they could possibly be named. Upon peeling one, I realized I had seen a similar slice of orange adorning a piece of cheesecake at Thanksgiving several weeks prior. I sat pondering the citrus' similarities to a Clementine when I suddenly flashed back to a conversation with my students about Putonghua, or Mandarin Chinese. In case you haven't already surmised what my epiphany was, I shall spell it out for you. It took me over a month to realize that those "tiny oranges" I've seen everywhere across supermarkets and streetcorners are actually Mandarin Oranges... In my defence, I simply did not recognize them without their familiar aluminum and Dole "peels." I can only liken this experience to walking into a field of baby corn or seeing a legendary Spaminal in its natural environment, pre-molding and canning. No need to say anything, I know I'm a genius.

Happenings over this weekend (guess which are "stretching the truth" and I'll send you a child bride):
The Internet was out for a solid 48 hours.
Vodka. Lots and lots of it. Too much, my stomach might say.
I split the atom.
Being surrounded by Chinese men, all dancing as though they had walked off the set of "Night at the Roxbury."
I watched "Doogal." It was amazing. Oh wait, it wasn't.


Life in China has yet to regain its momentum. Luckily, we have stumbled upon a bar that offers free alcohol to all foreigners. Sounds fishy, right? Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking. I still have my kidneys. However, my liver is now somewhat atrophied. Turns out that whiskey goes great with iced tea. And so does vodka. But when I mixed the whiskey and vodka with beer, well, yeah.

Conversation of the Week...a.k.a. "Sometimes I Really Don't Think Before I Speak." This took place in my office when I spotted one of my Chinese friends carrying what looked like a blank exam.
Hilary: Hey Jordan, what are those papers for?
Jordan: Uhm...The party...
H: The Christmas Party?
J: No..uhm...
H: My birthday party?
J: No...it's the...I'm not sure how to say...
H: A New Year's Party?
J: No, it's...
Random Chinese Teacher: The Communist Party.
H: Oh. The Party.

"Hey Hilary, what brightens your day?" Presents!! Well, actually, the first thing that comes to mind is multi-colored chalk. There is no other sure-fire way to make me grin while I am teaching, than to hand me a piece of blue, green, or purple chalk. It's amazing. Yes, my priorities certainly have changed. Getting back to my point, I figure that most of my readers are now struggling with the conundrum of what to send Hilary for Chanukkah and her BIRTHDAY. Here are a few brilliant ideas, courtesy of yours truly:
-A puppy.
-A menorah and some candles. A lot of candles.
-An E-card.
-Ramen flavor packets. Preferably Creamy Chicken...Everything here seems to be either pork or seafood flavored.
-Microwave popcorn. Heavy on that fake butter flavor, please. They have Kit Kat's and potato chips here, but NO buttered popcorn for the love of g-d!!!!
-A sweater. A nice wool blend. Reindeer are optional, but appreciated.
-A mix CD. It's hard to stay up to date on the current hits in America. The Chinese are still stuck on the Backstreet Boys.
-Cold, Hard, Cash.
-An iTunes gift card. I really want to watch Scrubs. (Hey! No shipping necessary for this one, you can do it online!)
-A wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano. I am not joking. I would be eternally grateful.
-Sufjan Stevens. I'd really like to meet him.

Just in case...My address:
Dr. Hilary Dubinsky*
International Student Building Rm.101
Hebei Normal University
#469 Hongqi Dajie, Shijiazhuang,
Hebei 050091, P.R.China
*Interestingly enough, there are no laws in China that prevent me from passing myself off as a fully licensed Doctor. Glorious!

Here are a few things that crack me up, but may only be understood by those who have been to China, or have studied it:
-When the Chinese teachers at my school actually bother to talk to me, it's usually to ask for the explanation of a word (yes, some may call this a "definition"), or for help with pronounciation. The best word I have been asked about... Bourgeois. (Cultural Revolution, Hellloo!)
-There are dealers on every street corner in my city...However, they only seem to sell fresh produce and roasted sweet potatoes. It sure ain't Des Moines!
-It's not uncommon to hear English music, or Chinese versions of it, while wandering around China. I am subjected to Michael Jackson and the Backstreet Boys on a daily basis, thanks to the ultra-hip hair salon by my school. Yesterday, I was awakened by the The Furies, who were screaming "If you're happy and you know it," in the hallway. In Chinese, of course. While I was riding home one morning, my taxi driver delighted me with the instrumental version of "Dust in the Wind." It was nearly perfect except for the thousands of fireworks being set off on the streets which nearly drowned out the sweet notes of Kansas.

I gave my classes the task of creating their own ideal countries. Here are some of the utterly ridiculous things that came out of my mouth in the process:
"I want you to describe the culture and customs of your new country. For example, American culture is rooted in free speech and Chinese culture values friendship. Customs? Well, some Chinese customs would be eating rice...and wearing knee-high boots... You all really like to wear boots." (I am an idiot, but my explanation got the idea across to them)
"Your new country has intelligent robots that carry out all of your labor? Don't you realize that if you build intelligent machines that they WILL take over?!" (teaching is melting my mind)
"China? I think maybe you need a different name for your brand-new-never-heard-of-before country."

Teaching is a real power trip. On a weekly basis I have the privilege of giving students their very own English name. As a result, there are several more Emily's at my school. Now I know how Adam must have felt.

"Hey, Hilary. What have you been obsessively playing on iTunes lately?" What an excellent query! "Zorba the Greek," by LCD Soundsystem. "Of Angels and Angels," by the Decemberists...and, "40 Feet," by Franz Ferdinand.

As a teacher, I disseminate (<-Big Word Alert!!) all sorts of new and fascinating information to my students. Here are a few of the gems I have dished out that were met by dropped jaws and stares of indredulity (is that a word?):
-"Your blood is actually blue while it is inside your body, it turns red when exposed to oxygen. This may or may not have something to do with hemoglobin. I really have no idea."
-"In America, it's okay to take off your coat or sweater in front of other people." (It took me a long while to realize why my students gasped every time I took my sweater off. Turns out the removal of clothing is simply not done in public here.)
-"Nobody likes George W. Bush."
-"I don't celebrate Christmas."
-"You cannot drink until you are 21 years old in America."
-"Do not hug strangers in America." (This was instructed upon hearing of Free Hug Clubs in China)
-"Cleverer is not a word."
-"I think you need to change that word because it's like an adverb...or a modifier...or, yeah, you know." (I, uhm, did not pay attention in Grammar)

I know you're interested, so here are my thoughts on the current US news, in short. (most of which I read from IMDB):
-"There is that slight worry of hypothermia but it shouldn't happen. By hour 48 this is going to be really interesting." David Blaine. Suspended in some contraption, again. Douche.
-Michael Richards. Go the f@*k away.
-The Black Dahlia. Other than Josh Hartnett's tuchis, it has no redeeming qualities.