Writer's block and sheer laziness have certainly been taking their toll. For the past few weeks I have been vegging out and watching the fifth season of West Wing. I've also managed to stuff myself at the TGI Friday's in Beijing and accidentally buy four pairs of shoes. Oops.

There are certain things you can do in China, that you can't do in America, and vice versa. It is these few niceties that make life all the more interesting, and beautiful.
Things you can only do in China:
-Stare at the sun for as long as you like, without damaging your retinas. As far as I can see, this may be the only benefit of the horrendous levels of pollutants that lead to dense grey smog.
-Feed 6 people a filling and sumptuous meal for under 7 US dollars.

-Comfortably pick your nose, hock loogies, urinate, and defecate in public.
-Buy movies before they hit theaters in the US. Thanks to this, and the abundance of Chinese food, everyday is Christmas for me.

Things you can do in the States, but certainly not in China:
-Cross the street safely.
-Start a war with Iraq.
-Speak your mind without fear of government reprisal.
-Eat General Tsao's Chicken.

Conversation of the Week:

(The following took place in a McDonald's, during lunch rush. The dialogue and names have been modified for my own amusement, but honestly reflect the content of the orignal exchange.)
Crock: I'm suprised none of us have gotten lice yet.
Jilary: Why on earth did you say that?
Crock: Well, everyone here seems to have it.
Jilary: I have no idea why you are saying this.
Crock: They all have those little white things in their hair!
Jilary: That's dandruff.
Crock: (Brief Silence) ...It looks like they have legs...

Update: China? Still here. Still bored.
Epiphany of the week: I was dining at the Kaixuanjinyue Grand Hotel when I spotted a fruit selection at the buffet. I recognized some tiny oranges that I had seen a girl eating, by the pound, on the train from Beijing about a week earlier. I decided to go a little crazy and try these miniature curiosities at the same time wondering what they could possibly be named. Upon peeling one, I realized I had seen a similar slice of orange adorning a piece of cheesecake at Thanksgiving several weeks prior. I sat pondering the citrus' similarities to a Clementine when I suddenly flashed back to a conversation with my students about Putonghua, or Mandarin Chinese. In case you haven't already surmised what my epiphany was, I shall spell it out for you. It took me over a month to realize that those "tiny oranges" I've seen everywhere across supermarkets and streetcorners are actually Mandarin Oranges... In my defence, I simply did not recognize them without their familiar aluminum and Dole "peels." I can only liken this experience to walking into a field of baby corn or seeing a legendary Spaminal in its natural environment, pre-molding and canning. No need to say anything, I know I'm a genius.

Happenings over this weekend (guess which are "stretching the truth" and I'll send you a child bride):
The Internet was out for a solid 48 hours.
Vodka. Lots and lots of it. Too much, my stomach might say.
I split the atom.
Being surrounded by Chinese men, all dancing as though they had walked off the set of "Night at the Roxbury."
I watched "Doogal." It was amazing. Oh wait, it wasn't.


Life in China has yet to regain its momentum. Luckily, we have stumbled upon a bar that offers free alcohol to all foreigners. Sounds fishy, right? Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking. I still have my kidneys. However, my liver is now somewhat atrophied. Turns out that whiskey goes great with iced tea. And so does vodka. But when I mixed the whiskey and vodka with beer, well, yeah.

Conversation of the Week...a.k.a. "Sometimes I Really Don't Think Before I Speak." This took place in my office when I spotted one of my Chinese friends carrying what looked like a blank exam.
Hilary: Hey Jordan, what are those papers for?
Jordan: Uhm...The party...
H: The Christmas Party?
J: No..uhm...
H: My birthday party?
J: No...it's the...I'm not sure how to say...
H: A New Year's Party?
J: No, it's...
Random Chinese Teacher: The Communist Party.
H: Oh. The Party.

"Hey Hilary, what brightens your day?" Presents!! Well, actually, the first thing that comes to mind is multi-colored chalk. There is no other sure-fire way to make me grin while I am teaching, than to hand me a piece of blue, green, or purple chalk. It's amazing. Yes, my priorities certainly have changed. Getting back to my point, I figure that most of my readers are now struggling with the conundrum of what to send Hilary for Chanukkah and her BIRTHDAY. Here are a few brilliant ideas, courtesy of yours truly:
-A puppy.
-A menorah and some candles. A lot of candles.
-An E-card.
-Ramen flavor packets. Preferably Creamy Chicken...Everything here seems to be either pork or seafood flavored.
-Microwave popcorn. Heavy on that fake butter flavor, please. They have Kit Kat's and potato chips here, but NO buttered popcorn for the love of g-d!!!!
-A sweater. A nice wool blend. Reindeer are optional, but appreciated.
-A mix CD. It's hard to stay up to date on the current hits in America. The Chinese are still stuck on the Backstreet Boys.
-Cold, Hard, Cash.
-An iTunes gift card. I really want to watch Scrubs. (Hey! No shipping necessary for this one, you can do it online!)
-A wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano. I am not joking. I would be eternally grateful.
-Sufjan Stevens. I'd really like to meet him.

Just in case...My address:
Dr. Hilary Dubinsky*
International Student Building Rm.101
Hebei Normal University
#469 Hongqi Dajie, Shijiazhuang,
Hebei 050091, P.R.China
*Interestingly enough, there are no laws in China that prevent me from passing myself off as a fully licensed Doctor. Glorious!

Here are a few things that crack me up, but may only be understood by those who have been to China, or have studied it:
-When the Chinese teachers at my school actually bother to talk to me, it's usually to ask for the explanation of a word (yes, some may call this a "definition"), or for help with pronounciation. The best word I have been asked about... Bourgeois. (Cultural Revolution, Hellloo!)
-There are dealers on every street corner in my city...However, they only seem to sell fresh produce and roasted sweet potatoes. It sure ain't Des Moines!
-It's not uncommon to hear English music, or Chinese versions of it, while wandering around China. I am subjected to Michael Jackson and the Backstreet Boys on a daily basis, thanks to the ultra-hip hair salon by my school. Yesterday, I was awakened by the The Furies, who were screaming "If you're happy and you know it," in the hallway. In Chinese, of course. While I was riding home one morning, my taxi driver delighted me with the instrumental version of "Dust in the Wind." It was nearly perfect except for the thousands of fireworks being set off on the streets which nearly drowned out the sweet notes of Kansas.

I gave my classes the task of creating their own ideal countries. Here are some of the utterly ridiculous things that came out of my mouth in the process:
"I want you to describe the culture and customs of your new country. For example, American culture is rooted in free speech and Chinese culture values friendship. Customs? Well, some Chinese customs would be eating rice...and wearing knee-high boots... You all really like to wear boots." (I am an idiot, but my explanation got the idea across to them)
"Your new country has intelligent robots that carry out all of your labor? Don't you realize that if you build intelligent machines that they WILL take over?!" (teaching is melting my mind)
"China? I think maybe you need a different name for your brand-new-never-heard-of-before country."

Teaching is a real power trip. On a weekly basis I have the privilege of giving students their very own English name. As a result, there are several more Emily's at my school. Now I know how Adam must have felt.

"Hey, Hilary. What have you been obsessively playing on iTunes lately?" What an excellent query! "Zorba the Greek," by LCD Soundsystem. "Of Angels and Angels," by the Decemberists...and, "40 Feet," by Franz Ferdinand.

As a teacher, I disseminate (<-Big Word Alert!!) all sorts of new and fascinating information to my students. Here are a few of the gems I have dished out that were met by dropped jaws and stares of indredulity (is that a word?):
-"Your blood is actually blue while it is inside your body, it turns red when exposed to oxygen. This may or may not have something to do with hemoglobin. I really have no idea."
-"In America, it's okay to take off your coat or sweater in front of other people." (It took me a long while to realize why my students gasped every time I took my sweater off. Turns out the removal of clothing is simply not done in public here.)
-"Nobody likes George W. Bush."
-"I don't celebrate Christmas."
-"You cannot drink until you are 21 years old in America."
-"Do not hug strangers in America." (This was instructed upon hearing of Free Hug Clubs in China)
-"Cleverer is not a word."
-"I think you need to change that word because it's like an adverb...or a modifier...or, yeah, you know." (I, uhm, did not pay attention in Grammar)

I know you're interested, so here are my thoughts on the current US news, in short. (most of which I read from IMDB):
-"There is that slight worry of hypothermia but it shouldn't happen. By hour 48 this is going to be really interesting." David Blaine. Suspended in some contraption, again. Douche.
-Michael Richards. Go the f@*k away.
-The Black Dahlia. Other than Josh Hartnett's tuchis, it has no redeeming qualities.