Looking for cheap phone cards to call China? Well here's a great site to try! (I am shameless...)www.ecallchina.com
Before I came to China, Blogger was banned. Upon my arrival, it was un-banned (coincidence?). However, it is now un-un-banned. Therefore, I can still make posts through Blogger Beta, but I have to go through a proxy to view my blog. Yes, very exciting. Henceforth, I vow to only post the most critical points (seeing as it takes much too long to navigate the Chinese web and post). Therefore, it may take awhile to gather said material. Also, there may be many more spelling/grammatical errors (which I abhor!), seeing as I can no longer easily gaze at the culmination of my genius, for hours on end, which I am wont to do...
My diet to lose 10 pounds has been entirely successful...This is entirely owed to the fact that I have moved to a nation without readily available cheese. However, I have discovered the Nestle Crunch Bars at my campus convenience store. If I do not manage to restore my rotund-ness via chocolate and crisped rice, I plan on doing so upon my return to the States by visiting The Melting Pot, The Better Cheddar, and Dean & Deluca...many, many times. Family members, plan accordingly.
I dropped a black hairband on the floor yesterday. After seeing the state of the floor, I decided to throw it out. Of the hundreds of hairbands that I have owned and lost, this is the only one whose disappearance I am actually responsible for.
I long for November 15th! No, not just because it is the day before the birthday of my beloved siblings...On that blessed day, They will turn the heat on in my building. "And on that day, the Lord said there shall be heat. There was heat, and it was good." The propensity of large organizations (ahem, Drake) to delay the onset of heating buildings until late in the year can be owed to nothing other than wanton cruelty.
Early one Sunday morn, around say 8 in the AM, I was awakened by a loud, repetitive cracking noise. This occurred on a regular basis throughout the next hour of my intended sleeping period. Upon my cab ride home, my suspicions were confirmed. It turned out to be people lighting hundreds of small red fireworks. (Cultural note: This display represents good fortune for the multitude of Chinese couples who enjoy getting married on Sunday mornings)...Oh China!

Final thought:
It's rather easy to forget about the effects of the smoglight until blowing one's nose...or picking it...

And now for something completely different. I'd like to start with a little section called "You know you've been in China too long when..."

• "You know you've been in China too long when it doesn't phase you to see children defecating in the street, while their parents look proudly on.
• You know you've been in China too long when it doesn't occur to you that spitting out bad pieces of meat onto the table might be considered rude in some countries.
• You know you've been in China too long when 4 yuan (50 cents) for a chocolate popsicle is outrageously expensive, causing you to say "F*ck off" to the vendor.
• You know you've been in China too long when you have three adjectives, which you use to describe everything, because 95% of the Chinese are familiar with beautiful, interesting, and pretty.

While I was in Beijing, I went to the Great Wall. It really was Great, but just not in the way I expected. I was thinking it would be a rather fantastic, meandering ramp. Turns out the "untouched section" is more like an unending series of stairs, or deathtraps, that go up/down at about 89 degrees. I've never been much for geometry, I'm known for my daunting good looks and not my brains, but that's pretty steep, right?

Speaking of what I'm known for...I'm lazy. For this reason, and for some other good ones I can't remember, I decided to read Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" to a few of my classes. They genuinely appreciated the story and felt a profoundly deep sorrow for that poor, giving tree. They even understood the symbolism of a capitalist society that takes and takes, and never gives. I could tell that I had really made an impact. Coincidentally, that afternoon the City Works Department trimmed the branches of every tree around campus to virtual annihilation.

Next we have "In case you were wondering..."

• In case you were wondering what types of exotic foods I have tried, they have been limited to quail eggs and mutton. Let's just say I don't like change.
• In case you were wondering what I do in my spare time, I like to shake it to Missy Elliott.
• In case you were wondering what was inside the decrepit dining hall by my dormitory, it is now all piled on the sidewalk, chairs, ovens, everything. Perhaps it's "fall cleaning."
• In case you were wondering what I did this Saturday, I woke up at 7 am to teach English to a bunch of little Chinese kids for 3 hours. And all I got for my time was oranges... Green oranges. Actually, they were really, really cute 7-12 year olds that spoke English rather well. And I got paid. But the oranges really were green.

In the States, it seems that a lot of "individuals" like to get Chinese characters tattooed on themselves. It turns out that these people do not always know what their characters mean. Similarly, the Chinese like to wear clothing with English writing on it. It seems they are smart enough to avoid the ink, but they still end up wearing shirts that say anything from "babygirlfriend" and "i love engkuand," to complete and utter gibberish. If someone could please send me a giant red Sharpie to correct their clothing, it'd be much appreciated.

Lastly, my favorite questions from last week's English Corner, and the consequent answers that popped into my head, which I stifled...well, a few popped out.

• Do you wear cosmetics? No, my eyelids are naturally a shimmering cocoa shade.
• Do you think Shaquille O'Neal (pronounced something like Shakweel Oneer) or Yao Ming is better? Shaq. Seriously, haven't you heard of Kazaam?!
• Is China or Japan more important to the US? Well I like dumplings better than sushi...so, the US.
• Do you believe in the g-d? Yes.
• Do you REALLY believe in the g-d?! Yes... Why wouldn't I?

And my absolute favorite, said with the most incredulous expression...

• I have heard that you do not eat very much, why is this? Why do the Chinese eat so friggin much?!

Just picture 40 Jewish mothers, who happen to be Chinese, slowly leaning in while waiting for your apologetic explanation, and you will have a sense of English Corner.

One morning, I heard a knock at my door, which I opened, only to find one of the evil Furies, who occasionally changes my sheets and gives me a lion's share of dirty looks. I welcomed her in, assuming she was there concerning my dysfunctional washing machine, which is so HUGE that it can wash two towels at once! But I was mistaken, as usual. Right behind her was a repairman who proceeded to my hall closet and then shut himself inside it. He eventually came out of it. Out of the closet...hehe... Moving on! Apparently my closet was broken, or there is yet another strange Chinese game that I have yet to participate in.

• The Chinese may not have a problem with pronouncing their R's and L's, but those W's and V's are certainly an obstacle. This impediment lends itself to endless amusement when speaking of "visiting" and "Volvo's."


• Have I mentioned how much I like Junior Senior (the music group)? Does that make me a flamboyant, gay man... Well of course not, I can hardly put together a fashionable outfit!

I was enjoying lunch with a couple of my Chinese friends when one of them offered to let me try her Thai Coffee. It was delicious, so I decided to be a total copier and buy my own. Perhaps I should have paid a little more attention with the "barista" was mixing my drink, because several pieces of "boba," that crap they put in bubble tea, ended up in my beverage. For those of you who haven't had boba before, they are spherical globules that I can only assume are made out of some gelatinous substance (please refer to Wikipedia for further details). I liken them to taking a sip of delicious, creamy coffee, only to find out that a homeless person has somehow simultaneously managed to spit a large chunk of phlegm into your mouth.

• In case you were wondering how well I am adjusting: I'm practically Chinese...except for the whole "I-don't-speak-Chinese" thing...


• I either need dye my hair black or learn how to say "What are you staring at?" in Chinese.


• I saw a yellow person walking on the street the other day. Literally. I am 95% sure she had Jaundice.

A few days ago, whilst strolling through the small, super dirty, market by my school, a small Chinese girl looked at me in astonishment. She then turned to her mother and exclaimed, "Mama, Yingouren!" This translates to, "Mom, there's an English person!" If only she had noticed my exquisite dental hygiene she would have surely known I was anything but English (Just kidding!).

• Shaving your legs is infinitely more enjoyable when using near-icy shower water!

On another note, I am still waiting for care packages...and also more comments on my blog, they really brighten my smog-lighty days! And just to brighten your day, I am going to throw in a fancy picture of my shower and the view from one of the many windows in my palatial estate!

Yes, I opted for the Two Shower Head model, don't ask.

The Chinese seem to like their food sweet, rather than salty or savory. When offered a "salad," it is then best to assume that it will be a sweet salad containing various fruits and a dressing. To explain more simply, a Chinese "Salad" typically consists of sliced apples, watermelon, and mayonnaise. Mayonnaise.


Beijing was great.


While in Beijing, when I was not splurging at the Silk Market, we stopped by a quaint local DVD shop, which I like to call Narnia. "Why Narnia?" you might ask. Well, in order to reach said DVD shop, one must enter a clothing store, proceed to a fitting room, go through the false wall in the back of the fitting room into a closet, and then make your way through a false wall in the back of the closet into a small, dimly lit, airless room, filled with thoroughly legitimate copies of American movies.
I constantly have the theme from Nickelodeon's "Doug" running through my head...So if you see me walking around humming "doodootdoodoo", don't be surprised. But don't worry, I don't plan on sticking underwear on my head and calling myself "Quailman" anytime soon...I shall save that for spring...

Mooncakes are a traditional Chinese delicacy that are produced and consumed to celebrate the fullest moon of the year, during the Mid-Autumn Festival. They are beautiful, round confections with elaborate designs printed on the top. They are stuffed with a variety of delicious fillings, such as Chestnut, Chocolate, and Egg. They usually taste like crap. Moon crap.

Upon receiving the news that I was accepted to CCEP, and would be spending the next year in the Middle Kingdom, I began to modify my speech. "Fried Rice" became "Flied Lice." "English Teacher" sounded more like "Engrish Teacher." I'm sure you can imagine my disappointment upon discovering that it is the Japanese, not the Chinese, who have a deal of trouble with their R's and L's.
In America, I would imagine that those who consider themselves to be quite fond of Chinese food may partake in this delicious Asian cuisine once, maybe twice, a week. I eat it every day. Every damned day. Just think about that.