Welcome!
(a note for first-time readers)

This blog chronicles my year spent teaching English at the Tibetan College of Shijiazhuang, Hebei, People's Republic of China. That's pretty self-explanatory, right? Well, just in case it's not, I'll go into a bit more detail... My senior year of college was winding to a close and I'd neglected to do anything in the way of preparing for admissions to a graduate program. Oops! I needed something to do with myself because I most certainly would've gone crazy living at home with my family. During my Contemporary Chinese Society class, we had a brief presentation about Drake's CCEP.And that's how I got tricked into going to China...er, that's how I learned about a Chinese Cultural Exchange Program. I could teach for a year in China, I would be reimbursed for my round-trip airfare, and I'd receive a monthly salary. It seemed to be a better alternative than living in my parent's house, so I signed up. So if you're remotely interested in reading further about my year of hijinks, exploits, and occasional fabulous (mis)adventures, I suggest you start at the beginning of the blog, which dates back to August of 2006.

Welcome Back!
(a note for returning visitors)

Well, it's been fun, and the blog is 97% finished . I'm finally settled back into life in the US. I have two jobs, each interesting in their own right. I found the pounds I lost in China. I'm earning more than $350 USD a month, although it doesn't seem to go nearly as far as my salary did in China. I could continue the blog by dishing out all the latest work gossip and relaying all the ridiculous things my coworkers do... But since all my colleagues are now English-speakers, I run a much higher risk of them finding out. Alas, the writing of my blog is 'fini.' The pictures are a different story. My battered white iBook, replete with daisy and unicorn stickers, is stuck in the repair shop. So, as soon as my new hard drive is installed, I shall add a multitude of photos to further embellish my already fantabulous posts. For now, just click on the My Photos link for your viewing pleasure. With all the writing taken care of, and the photos well on their way, it seems that I'm out of things to do...

And with that, I bid you goodnight.

Final Thoughts:
An Interview With the Author
aka I have nothing to do at work, so I'm interviewing myself

Interviewer: We're all dying to know, was it worth it?!
HDubs: Absolutely. While there were a few rough times, and numerous frustrations with Chinese bureaucracy, my year in China was completely worthwhile. After all, I gained experiences that most people will never have. And the fried rice is delish.

I: Interesting! They say hindsight is 20/20; would you have done anything differently?
HDubs: Well I really love hindsight, especially because my current vision is something like 20/40...More to the point, I would've brought toilet paper. Showing up to a TP-less apartment in the Shizz after 24+ hours of traveling was a real dilemma. Also, I wouldn't have brought those extra 10 pairs of shoes. Aaaand I should've done a better job teaching in the early mornings...and the afternoons.

I:Wow! Now, what I've really been wondering is what was your best experience in China?
HDubs: Leaving it. I was lucky enough to go on vacation outside of the country a few times, and the travel that ensued was always amazing. Seriously though? Breaking out of my little American bubble was priceless. There's nothing like traveling abroad to give you a wider perspective of your home country. The food was good too.

I: Such excellent insight! How about your worst experience in China?
HDubs: The train stations. I would gladly never ever return to a Chinese train station ever again. Unless I really wanted to be pushed, shoved, ogled and glared at, all at once.

I: Hmm, sounds daunting! On the brighter side, what was your favorite thing in China?
HDubs: My supportive co-workers... Just kidding! The food was amazing. My students were great and I learned so much about China from them that I never could have learned otherwise. I also really liked my 4 hour work days... and the fried rice.

I: Sounds great! What phenomena did you dislike?
HDubs: Well, dislike is a real understatement here, so I'll stick with 'abhor.' By and large, the Chinese people have no respect for the concept of a 'line,' or as some would say, a 'queue.' I've been cut in front of more times than I've had a Chinese taxi driver give me a puzzled look, and that's a lot! Seriously, the Chinese only stand in line for the ATM. Other than that, there are always, ALWAYS, people cutting in front of each other or even blatantly shoving each other out of the way. Getting to the front of the line at McDonald's was always a hard-won accomplishment.

I: Well, that must've been a bit frustrating.
HDubs: Shut up. Frustrating doesn't even begin to cover it.

I: All righty! If you could change anything about China, what would it be?
HDubs: Nothing. Kidding again!! While I really like staring directly at the sun, their air pollution is a bit excessive. And then there's the spitting. Well, it's really more than spitting. It's more like they attempt to hock their diaphragm out, rather than the gumball-sized wad of yellow phlegm that they actually produce.

I: Yum! The 2008 Olympics Games will be held in Beijing, will you return for them?
HDubs: Negatory. I do not plan on returning to China anytime in the next 5 years. Moreover, I'd much rather pull all of my hair out by the roots than be in China, especially Beijing, during the Olympics. However, I can hardly contain my glee in anticipation for watching the world news coverage of the Games. It will be quite interesting to see the world's reaction when faced with traveling and living in China... and of course all the insanity that ensues.

I: Well it looks like we're almost out of time, any last words?
HDubs: No. Wait... Thanks for reading :)

I'm baaaack!

For those of you who didn't know, I safely made it back to Kansas. Woohoo!! I've been dividing my time between eating, sleeping, and avoiding things like working on my blog and studying. However, I did manage to pull it together (albeit for a short time) and bear through the GRE's. I've also managed to find those 7ish pounds I lost in China. I've spent the last couple weeks getting used to my new jobs and living at home (eeek!). While it's taken nearly a month, my "Journey Home" post is finally up so that you can all read about the horror of my return trip, from the comfort of your ergonomic computer chairs. I've made a vow to myself, which can always be recanted, to finish up the blog by mid-September. I'll be adding a couple more posts and a lot more pictures...so stay tuned.

My Journey to Purgatory
aka My Trip Back to the States
aka I Hate Air China With Every Fibre of My Being
(WARNING: Long Post!!)

July 30, 2007: The time had come for me to return to 'the States,' an event that I'd been looking forward to with oh so much anticipation. I'd battled with my school and won myself a one-way ticket back to Kansas City. I deserved that ticket too - I'd made it through just under 12 months of ridiculousness in China. Yes, ridiculousness is the best word to describe my experiences as a whole. I'll do my best to describe the ensuing journey to the best of my ability, all the while employing my cunning mastery of English (sans my usually impeccable grammar) and appropriately sardonic wit.

'Early' that morning...

10:00 AM Wake-up for a delicious complimentary breakfast in Beijing's Crown Royal Hotel.
10:30 AM Putter about. Think of things we can take from the hotel room, without incurring a bill.
12:00 PM Make our way down to the lobby, with the help of several bellhops. I really like bellhops; they come in handy when you have four 50 pound bags (23 Kg) for just one, small, fabulous person...like me. The entire hobbit family hops into an over-sized van that can hardly hold 6 people and 9 large bags, plus countless carry-ons, and we're on our way to make 4 and 4:30pm flights. If all goes well, I should be home by midnight on the morning of July 31.

The 7th Circle

1:00 PM Arrive at Beijing's Capital Airport...the 7th circle of Purgatory. Somehow we manage to get all of our 9 suitcases/duffels through the main entrance. We alternate keeping an eye on the luggage, as there always seems to be thieves about in China, with squinting at the scoreboard to find our gate. Then we scramble for pens so that we can fill out one of many rounds of paperwork, just to get through to the check-in counters. I part ways with the rest of the fam, as I'm flying all by my lonesome on China Air and those gluttons will be on United, flying business class.
1:45 PM Everyone is checked in, as well as our over 400 pounds of luggage. Yes, we Dubinsky's really like our luggage. Oh, I almost forgot! My 4pm flight has been delayed until 7, and I don't have a gate an assignment.
3:00 PM We've managed to fill out several additional sheets of paperwork, make it through customs and security, and arrive in the International Departures Terminal. What do we have to show for it? A lousy Chinese stamp... After living in China a year, the last thing I want is another stamp. I still don't have a gate.
3:05 PM My father politely informs me that we only have 4 United Business-Class Lounge passes and I'll be waiting outside on the bench. Emily is kind enough to offer to bring back several refreshments so we can have an impromptu picnic on the bench outside the Special People Lounge. I feel like a stalker while I'm sat waiting for her to come back.

Abandoned.

3:50 PM Time to take 10 minutes and walk with my family to their gate. We arrive to find out their gate has been changed to one right across from the business lounge. Coincidentally, all those moving walkways we rushed across to get there are one-way only. Still no gate.
4:00 PM The sky has turned a dark grey-blue and bolts of lightning are filling the sky, accompanied by strong winds and, like, lots of rain. Their flight is delayed indefinitely.
5:00 PM Turns out indefinitely only meant an hour. My family boards the plane. I sit around waiting for their plane to take off, just to make sure they depart okay.
6:15 PM Their plane finally takes off. Good thing I had 'People' to keep me company. I mosey over to the Departures board. It appears I still have a flight at 7pm, but I mysteriously have no gate. My boarding pass has "19?" written in the Gate section, which is less than promising but I have nothing else to do.

What now?

6:16-8:30 PM I manage to scrape together a meal at Starbucks and spend a few hours dividing my time between reading a crappy mystery novel, finishing a Frappuccino, and carelessly abandoning my belongings while briskly walking to check the Departures board.
9:00 PM I hear a rumor that our flight will be leaving from Gate 10 and rush over there to find 98% of the seats filled with fellow passengers of my CA985 flight. I manage to find a seat amid the groups of Chinese who are taking turns sleeping and watching luggage. Air China hands out really scary looking Chinese food for dinner, as though this will alleviate the pain-in-the-assness of our delay. People have begun to gather around the podium to try and find out what's going on. All questions are met with a stern "We are not sure what is happening."
9:30 PM The flight is canceled due to 'weather conditions.' This would be believable, except I can see several flights taking off outside on the runway. Some passengers request that Air China take us to a hotel until another flight can be arranged. The answer is "No," which is unsurprising to say the least. I meet Frida, a Chinese woman who lives in the US, and Debbie, her 8 yr old daughter.

Panda-monium!!

10:00 PM The group around the podium keeps growing larger and people begin shouting.
10:30 PM The shouting continues as one very disgruntled Chinese man starts shouting in broken-English about a petition.
10:40 PM The shouting dies down slightly as Air China personnel hand out packs of cookies and 5 minute phone cards. 5 whole minutes!!
11:00 PM The Broken-English shouter says something unintelligible. Frida lets me know that we have the option to go crash the United Business-Class Lounge. Finally, I get to see what the other side lives like.
11:10 PM Unfortunately, most of my fellow passengers stay in the waiting area and only the shouters, whiners, and complainers follow into the lounge. I quickly throw my things down next to Frida while Debbie and I go scavenge around for food and beverage. Success- I found some peanuts and a Watson's Ginger Ale.
11:15 PM-12:15 AM I frantically try to download Skype, which after 30 minutes of monitor-staring doesn't end up working. The complainers continue to whine to Air China personnel about their need to fly out IMMEDIATELY, due to a number of fictitious health problems. Airport personnel doesn't card. Airport Security is brought in and the noise-level increases noticeably. Debbie is simultaneously translating for me because, of course, none of the personnel present speak English. Debbie excitedly tells me "things are heating up!"and people are threatening to sue. She then promptly goes to fall asleep next to Frida and I am left without a translator.

Why are you still here?

2:00 AM I've been finishing my mystery novel (the doctor did it) and am suddenly approached by an Air China employee who asks what flight I was on and then asks "Do you know about the hotel?" I ask her to explain and she tells me that there is a bus to take all CA985 passengers to a hotel, as we are not allowed to spend the night in the airport. We asked about a hotel at 8pm, and finally get a green-light at 2am. She tells me she has no idea when another flight home will be arranged for us and the hotel is "very nearby."
2:15 AM Since Debbie refuses to wake up and walk, I offer to help out Frida with her luggage. That's how I somehow ended up walking back through Chinese customs with a luggage cart that just happened to have a sleeping 8yr old on it. My lousy blue "Exit" stamp is replaced with a bright red "Canceled" stamp and we all get on board a bus to head to the hotel. The bus smells like really dirty armpits.
3:00 AM We arrive at the "very nearby" hotel, I'm abandoned by Frida and Debbie, and eventually shown to a "very nice" room on the 2nd floor. I shower away the last 14 hours of airport time and crawl into bed, not knowing when, or if, I will be leaving this g-dless country. Dave calls again to make sure I still have my wits about me and wishes me good luck and sweet dreams.
5:00 AM My family finally lands in Chicago and Emily calls to check in on me. They seem surprised that I'm still stuck in China. I, however, knew that I would never get away that easily.

Get off at 8.

7:30 AM After a few hours hours of restless sleep, I'm awakened by a telephone call from a disgruntled Chinese woman telling me "You, get off at 8." When asked to clarify this cryptic statement, she hangs up on me. Luckily, thanks to my months of experience with the art of Chinese conversation, as well as English-Chinese conversation, I interpret this as "Please be downstairs by 8am to board the bus to the Beijing Airport."
8:00 AM I run into Debbie and Frida again, and somehow manage to end up carrying some of their luggage, again. The still-smelly bus pulls away and rambles towards the 7th circle of hell...aka Beijing's Capital Airport.
9:00 AM We arrive at PEK to find out that we have a flight scheduled for "around 11am." I then fill out more tiny slips of paper again, and go through the entire check-in process, again. With some twist of fate, I'm able to get my connecting flights in the US, that I missed yesterday, rescheduled to more feasible times in the immediate future. This small accomplishment leaves me feeling as though Rome was actually built in a day, by yours truly.
10:00 AM We arrive at our designated gate, which just happens to be the crappiest one in the whole airport, and note that we have a scheduled departure time of 11:30am. Everything seems to be on the 'up and up' and I inform Emily of such when she calls again to check in on me. Frida and I take turns watching the luggage as Debbie occupies herself by sliding down stair railings. More waiting ensues.
12:00PM After an hour of glaring at the departure screen, I finally get onto a bus that will supposedly take me to the newly dubbed CA985-A. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if the bus actually took me back to the Shizz and I was conscripted into teaching for another term. To my shock, there's actually a plane waiting for us and I'm able to finagle my way into a window seat. So,just 20 hours later, I'm strapped into my tiny Economy chair and ready to fly back to sanity.

Seriously? Seriously.

3:45 PM We've been sitting in the plane, in the same spot on the tarmac, for just under 4 hours. For some reason, Air China thought this wouldn't be a problem as long as they served us lunch after the first 2 hours of stand still. A large, and or course obnoxious, American is walking up and down the aisles attempting to inspire a mutiny. He's threatening to walk off the plane if the so-called "mechanical problems" aren't resolved within the next half an hour. We have been delayed, cancelled, and then delayed again, for nearly 24 hours... He has a good point.
4:30 PM Air China has apparently received the necessary go-ahead for departure, and by go-ahead I mean stamps. China runs on stamps. My fellow passengers begin to applaud as the plane finally begins to taxi towards the runway. I inwardly scream "Why are you clapping when we're taking off a day late?!"
5:30 PM Our plane actually lifts off the ground and my heart nearly explodes from the joyous thought of escape. I take a much-deserved Ambien and drift off to sleep with a half-grin on my face.

And then.

July 31, 1:00 PM I finally arrive in the US, via sunny San Francisco. Praise g-d. All those connecting flights I was lucky enough to get rescheduled? Missed. I've now rescheduled and missed the same set of flights two times. But I have my luggage, and I'm in America; nothing can rain on that parade.
1:30 PM I quickly make my way through customs but somehow don't receive a "Welcome Home!" stamp, or even a simple "Entry" stamp. Oh well. I locate a United ticketing counter and am nearly overwhelmed by how easy it is to communicate with the agent. I forgot how much easier life is in America.
3:50 PM I board my plane and fly off to Denver, but only after a couple trips to See's Candies and reading through the latest trashy magazines. Our plane arrives and I rush off, as much as one can rush off a plane, to make my connection. I frantically scramble towards a Departures Board and pull on my super-cool glasses just in time to see my 9:30pm flight has been delayed til 11:15pm. Oh well, it's only an hour and 45 minutes! For the next couple hours I pass the time by racking up internet charges on my father's phone and try not to glare too obviously at the people who are complaining about an 105 minute delay. It's not an easy task.

Woohoo!!

August 1 2007, 1:20 AM 11 months, 3 weeks and 3 days later, I'm home. Finally.

Thailand... the Third Visit

In the past year I've been lucky enough to visit Thailand three times. No I'm not a trafficker of anything other than souvenirs. But the odds were in my favor and I was lucky enough to have just enough money and a few travelling companions willing to wander southeast Asia with me. This time, as you may have guessed, it was my very own hobbit family. Destination? Operation Koh Samui. Our trip began with a seemingly long series of flights, connections and customs inspections. I've been told they lasted under 12 hours, but I'm rather certain it was an eternity.

We made it to our beach-side resort around 10 pm local time and were shown to a beautiful bungalow. We spent the next 5 days dividing our time between the beach, restaurants, shopping, and mostly watching on-demand movies. We would've spent more time in the pool, providing the resort hadn't photo-shopped it into an olympic size, when in reality it was more like a 'let's sink our portable above-ground pool into the backyard' kind of a deal. All in all, we had a lovely time when we weren't bickering or sulking from sunburn (which didn't happen much because we were too busy eating and drinking...and enjoying the island!).

After Koh Samui, we went for a day and night in Bangkok. We stayed at an absolutely gorgeous Holiday Inn on Silom Road, which left me wondering: Why can't they be that nice in the U.S.? I successfully maneuvered myself (and family) through the Skytrain (thanks to Dave navigating us through it on my 2nd trip), but did make the mistake of purchasing Passion Fruit and Beet Juice. Never again. We made it the Central World Mall with just enough time to purchase popcorn and A & W rootbeer before sitting down to watch Harry Potter 5. Despite a sense of urgency to purchase tickets, the theater was 98% empty. The hilarious Thai previews alone, full of cross-dressing and innuendo, were worth the 160 Baht. The movie itself was magical enough and yet again reminded me that I'm still just a Squib.

We went back to China the next day. The end. Goodbye.

Hi. I'm stuck in China. It's official. I arrived at the Beijing Capital Airport over 10 hours ago and still haven't left. There are no English-speaking airline officials present, so all announcements are being translated to me by Debbie, an 8 year-old Chinese-American. My future is uncertain. I don't have a change of clothes, but I have a toothbrush. Stay tuned as events unfold!

Oh, John!

As some of you may, or may not, have noticed, the blog has been on a bit of a hiatus. Why? Because I've had better things to do. So, as I sit here in the Watermelon Shake that was spilled on me at dinner, I shall recount my most recent endeavors in a prose befitting only the most accomplished and worthy readers...(where did that come from?!)

I finished up my teaching gig at the Tibetan College on July 6th, after a week full of rather amusing oral exams. I then did an absolutely terrible job of packing the ridiculous amount of things that I've acquired. I still managed to fill a giant suitcase, two duffels and two backpacks, even after combing through everything and discarding a fair amount of junk. On July 7th, I headed to Beijing to meet my bestest friend/baby sister, Emily, at the airport. We spent a week travelling about and taking naps in in Beijing, Shijiazhuang, and Tianjin; quite the adventure! The rest of my hobbit family arrived late on July 16th, as their flight had been delayed nearly 7 hours. However, Emily and I only discovered the flight delay after making the hour long trip to the airport at 2 pm. Needless to say, we learned a lesson about checking flight status before leaving. Since the fam arrived, we've been travelling around quite a bit and I've decided that now (since I'm bored and the internet is available) would be a good time to tell you about our first adventure: Xi'an.

Like many tourists, my family decided to visit the famed Terracotta Soldiers. We were up in the wee hours, around 7, and then binged at the complimentary breakfast buffet at the Shangri-La Golden Flower Hotel. Then, with our bellies full of non-kosher items, we meandered to the first floor to wait for our tour group. That's when we met our guide, John. He had great English, but I guess some things must be learned from inside an English-speaking culture and other things just don't translate. By and far, he was the most entertaining aspect of the tour, which is why I will not describe any part of world-famous Terracotta Army (they were made of clay and there were many of them), but, instead I will only recount the sayings of John.

• We arrived the afternoon before to a Xi'an that was thoroughly covered in a downpour and the rainstorms had followed through the night and into the morning of our tour. Once situated in the tour van, John introduced himself and said "You can tell it's raining today...It's good."
• As our van pulled away from the hotel, John said "For now we're making the first turn, you're going to like this" At this point, we were treated to a view of nearly 20 couples practicing their ballroom dancing moves to techno music, beneath a highway underpass. My family was quite surprised, however this type of thing is quite common here.
• John's description of widely varied Chinese Cuisine: "For lunch, you can try any food you like. Spicy, non-spicy, vegetarian, or not."
• Another description, this time of Chinese fruits: "We have all the fruits. Grape and pomegranate."
• After giving us the day's itinerary, John opened the floor for questions. There were only three families on our tour, from three different countries. My family, the obnoxious Americans, had already asked several ridiculous questions, so the torch was passed to the siblings from England who gave a polite "Nothing yet, thanks." At that point, John asked if there were "any questions from Denmark," as that's were the last family was from. For some reason, the Danes thought it would be absolutely hilarious to ask when it would stop raining, at which point John said "I'm sorry, I'll have to call about that."
• John also took the time to point out fascinating landmarks: "Here we got a river, yes."
• John told us about his travels to the US: "I've been there. I went to Las Vegas. I saw David Copperfield, he shook my hand and made me disappear. You can shake my hand, it will be practically the same things as shaking his.
• John also told us about his fondness for American media: "I like talk shows. Have you seen Friends?" He also elaborated on his favorite movie stars, which of course included Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, and a fellow named "Al Passino."
• John's explanation of China's tourism industry: "Everybody wanna be here."

My, that was a long post! I hope you've managed to wade through it and that a few bits were amusing. For now, I shall head back to my bungalow on Chaweng Beach. The next post may take a while, so in the mean time, I'll need some comments on my blog to serve as motivation (was that subtle enough?)!

Grab Bag Anecdotes

(aka Could life BE any more exciting right now?!)

• For the past few months, I've been continually harassed by pamphleteers on my way to work. I'm not sure that 'pamphleteer' is a word, but I like it. Usually it's a leaflet detailing the amazing new discounts at the nearby Purgatory, which doubles as a Supermarket. However, one business has been quite tenacious in offering their glossy booklets to me, the new neighborhood gym. Yes, I'll admit, my washboard abs wouldn't really be able to wash...anything. But, seriously, I don't want to think about joining a gym at 7:50 in the morning when I'm late to class, or at 4:30 when I'm ready to pull my hair out from a day's worth of repeated grammar corrections. After months of my repeated "No, thank you," the new gym managed to find it's one staff member with adequate English to chase me down on their moped, and then walk along side me for an entire block, whilst still on their vehicle. However, every rain cloud has it's silverish lining. Although I've taken a long time to get to my point, without this determined solicitor, I'm certain that at no point in my life would the following phrase be addressed towards moi:

"Would you like to join our bodybuilding club?"

• Today on my way home from my first day of final exams, which I happen to be giving (not taking), I encountered an unusual sight. It wasn't the normal baby peeing in the middle of KFC or that fancily dressed woman hocking a loogie on the side of the street. It was a fire in a trashcan. Not just any trashcan at that, but a trashcan shaped like a panda, which is hugging a trashcan. Everyone knows how those silly pandas just love their rubbish bins! Back to my point, numerous people were walking by and paying no heed to the acrid smoke, until yours truly pointed it out to the management and the situation was remedied with a basin of toxic tap water. I think there's some deeper meaning to this pand-apathy...

• And lastly, I shall share the best Chinese joke I've yet to hear. I'd like to point out that I've heard this from multiple sources, so it must be somewhat popular.

Person 1: How do you get to work?

Person 2: I take the Number 11 Bus.

Person 1: Hahahaha!!!

• What? You don't understand it, you say? Well, please let me explain. The 'Number 11 Bus' is a clever way to say that you walk to work. The '11' is supposed to be your legs. Yes, it's a real gut-buster!!! Be sure to tell your coworkers around the water cooler....

Short and Not So Sweet

Since I've been bored out of my mind in the past couple weeks, I've taken it upon myself to be a little more adventurous than usual. My venture of choice? Trying new fruits. I've had summer melons, miniature cherries, plums of all colors, and today... a lychee. I've had canned lychee before, and they weren't bad at all, I might even say they were refreshing! However, I can't say the same for the fresh one I ate tonight. Opening a lychee, or 'peeling' per se, is an ordeal in and of itself. Firstly, lychee have a dark red skin, with atexture that I can only describe as alien. Bumpy, yet smooth. Firm, yet yielding. It's weird, in a not-so-good way. Secondly, after peeling back the outside, which is more like a shell than like a traditional peel, the fruit itself is revealed. It's white and opaque, in an unnatural, un-fruity sort of way. It has has the feel of a peeled grape that's been injected with some type of firm gelatin. It's basically what I would imagine extra-terrestrial spawn to look like. Then, I ate it. The taste? Meh. At first it was sweet, like the canned variety. But then, it took on an almost savory taste, as though it had been fertilized with something unspeakable... I shall you leave you with that thought, as I now have a week of exams ahead of me, aka a week of gathering bloggeriffic insight!

What's So Cool About China?

As much as China positively infuriates me at times, such as when I'm at the train station, there are a multitude of phenomenon that make it all worthwhile. For those of you that know me, it will come as no surprise that most of these have to do with food. So, let me count the ways...

• The unbelievable dirt-cheapness of everything.
• The pounds of locally grown fresh fruit that you can buy for little more than a dime on every street corner...Come to think of it, there isn't a street corner here that doesn't sell something.
• The pirated DVDs of nearly every American and English movie and television show imaginable, often for less than a dollar a disc.
• The Korean BBQ's on nearly every corner. There are few things more delicious than spiced lamb kebabs at 3 in the morning after a night of debauchery.
• The MSG. While I avoid this in America, that's just impossible here, as it's used just as much as salt and pepper... And it just turns out to be delicious!
• The designer-impostor version of everything. You too can have your own fake Louis Vuitton purse, Chanel No. 5, and Victoria Beckham jeans for less than 15 dollars. For just another couple of dollars, they might even look like the real thing... Did I mention I'm now in love with Mulberry?
• The Sweet and Sour Chicken that is just like that of Panda Express, but cheaper, and in China.

And my two absolute favorites (for the moment, that is)

• The little ramshackle street 'cafes' centered around 12 foot high piles of watermelon. You can pay by the kilo and they'll crack open a fresh melon for you to eat right then and there. Oh, summer!
• I get to learn about Tibet, from real live Tibetans. That's pretty cool.

A Funny Thing Happened at Work the Other Day...

So, as I sit here eating Skippy peanut butter from the jar, I'd like to share a few anecdotes from this morning's lesson. We've been discussing controversial topics in class, i.e. gun control and abortion, as a means for my students to learn how to better express their opinions and beliefs. While some students offered genuinely well-spoken insight, others....not so much. A group of my Tibetan boys had this to say on the topic of nuclear weapons:

"We have them. In Tibet. We have two. They are this big (stretching his arms out)... And it's a secret."

This was shortly followed by another male student, screaming the lyrics to an American pop song, which came out as:

"Somebody hit the rights!"

I gave him a stern look, began to sing the actual lyrics in my head, and walked away. Almost immediately my back was greeted with the serenade:

"I wanna hooold you!"

It's at that point that I began to hope they really had no idea what they were saying.

I finally splurged at the 'gourmet' supermarket and bought some Frosted Flakes...only to find out that my stomach reeeally doesn't like UHT milk.

My day took a turn for the worse when the previously promising grey sky turned sunny...I may have to attend English Corner after all.

And now for something completely different, a bit of good news... I can hardly contain my excitement, and it's all I can do to refrain from dancing about my classrooms all day, but I finally have a one-way ticket back to America on July 30th. Hallelujah! I'm sorry, did I sound overly eager to flee this country? Ooops.

What's in a Name?

(not the most interesting post, but a look-inside my classroom nonetheless)

Now, as the end of my stay looms near, I believe it's finally time to share one of the brightest joys of my teaching... My students' choice in English names. While I post these names because some of them amuse, while others cause may cause disbelief, it's important to understand the process by which they're arrived at. Each English major in my college is required to choose an English name at the beginning of their studies. There are several ways by which this is done, but nearly all of the students have absolutely no idea what name to pick, as per commonality, etc. Thus, many names are chosen from a variety of sources:

Literature - i.e. I have students named both Jane and Eyre, as well as Elizabeth, a la Lizzie Bennet of 'Pride and Prejudice.'

English /American Cinema - "I found my name in a film that was about a girl who fell in love." Somehow, this has led to a multitude of Jenny's, Annie's, and Ella's.

The Dictionary - Many of my students have Chinese-English dictionaries with a section on English names. Unfortunately, these sections don't say anything about the meaning of the names, nor the popularity/timeliness of it... Therefore, in every class I have 20 year old students named Alice, Ruth, Jean, Janet, Joan, Martin, Edward, Belinda, Melba, and my favorite... Fanny. (and yes, I realize these are the names of many of my relatives, but they are all over 35)

I Made My Own English Name! - This is how I found Henty, Wanny, Denty, Salida, Domy, and Kanony.

Seemingly Random Words, Used as Names - To be honest, these are some of my absolute favorites. Cry, Grape, Heaven (a boy), Tear, King (a girl and a boy), Germ, White, Tree, Spring, Summer, Dawn, Water, Sunshine (and they've never even heard of Haight-Ashbury!), Sunlight, Sunny, Skye (who sits next to Sunny), Iceless, Monkey, Seven, Star (another boy), Spark, and Doing.

Music/Pop Culture - Thanks to Pop Music from America (or is it Colombia?), Korea and China, I have students named Shakira, Rain and Sweet. I was also graced with the pleasure of one of my more shy Tibetan students approaching me to ask me if she could change her name to Beyonce.

Sports - Thank goodness for the NBA. Without it I wouldn't have a McGrady or an Alston, and I would be at a total loss without an Allen or two in every single class. A couple examples of the joy these names bring me:

Hilary: What's your English name?

Student: Kobe.

Hilary: Kobe like the beef, or Kobe like the alleged rapist? (I promise I only said this part to myself)

"Dear Teacher, I am ill and I would like to go rest so can I leave class early?
- #23 Allen Iverson"

And there you have it. In the meanwhile, I will do my best to keep occupied during my last couple months in China. My current modes of spending my copious free time include: sleeping, eating, and reading menus for the restaurants I plan to frequent when I get home. And of course, attempting to gather much more entertaining material for my next post... It would sure help pass the time if someone commented on my blog, and by someone, I mean anyone...Was that too subtle?

The Art of Chinese Conversation or Adventures With Tact

As some of you may have expected, the Chinese employ subtly different conventions when using English, which may catch a few native English speakers off guard. After having dinner with a Chinese couple, I've managed to gather a few examples...

Viola: Where is David?
Hilary: He's back in England.
Viola: So, he has left you all alone?
Hilary: Uh huh...

Mike: You know what? I've been a fan of the X-Files for many years.

Viola: My husband is a little fat and he is trying to lose weight, so every time someone says he looks a bit thinner, he is very excited. (Her husband is present when this is mentioned)

Viola: I think I will maybe find a handsome American boy while I am in America.
Mike:I will hire someone to check on my wife while she is in America. How do you say... an agent?

Viola: You look like you've put on some weight.

And I couldn't leave you without this tasty tidbit from one of my more soft-spoken students...

Hilary: What's your English name?
Student: Germ.
Hilary: Why'd you choose Germ as your English name?
Germ: Because I want to seep into the population's blood stream so that I can control them.
Hilary: Oh.

Finally, I offer yet another example of how my brain is rotting away:

After pondering a conversation in which a student said "I very much like music," I had to sit and think about whether or not 'much' was a word... My head hurts.

The long days of intense summer heat, and the lack of air conditioning in my classrooms, have only served to intensify my affinity for Tang. Ahhhh.

What do I like most about summer? Well, to put it simply, popsicles. The Chinese have nearly perfected the art of the popsicle with a myriad of flavors, shapes and textures. However, they still have a ways to go on the sewage and transportation systems.

The cost of living in the Shizz varies widely according to my cheese cravings. A simple lunch of an egg and veggie wrap, with a pineapple popsicle of course, only runs me 5 yuan. An all out binge at the World Trade Plaza, never complete without pillaging their tiny cheese selection, totals a whopping 98-120 yuan.

I managed to make it through my last weekend with Dave, which was incredibly enjoyable and heavy-hearted all at the same time. This was in part thanks to the company of his lovely parents, several beverages of choice, and the gorgeous surroundings of the Beijing Westin. It passed with only one case of food poisoning (Dave's) and several incidents of crying like it was my job. Now I'd like to take the time to share a few quotes from our weekend:

Friday afternoon, after early morning journeys on the train...
Dave: I may have stuck a Polo in my ear this morning.
Hilary: What's a Polo?
Dave: A breathmint.
Hilary: Oh...
Dave: I thought it was my iPod earphone...

Playing around in the pool...
Dave: Get on my shoulders!
Hilary: Okeydokey.
Monica: Can you put me on your shoulders too? Ste said he won't let me get on his shoulders!
Dave: No.

Wandering around Wangfujing...
Dave: Where's Mam?
Stephen: Looking at shoes...

Dinner and drinks were finished and it was time to head back to the hotel...
Dave: Well, it's time to make like a donkey's...willy, and hit the road.
Monica: I remember the first time I saw a horse's...

And finally...
Monica: You put any of this on your blog and you're in big trouble!

And in the interest of brevity, I'll cut this one short and leave you with one final thought. The FDA recently issued a consumer health warning advising against using toothpaste made in China... As if there's any other toothpaste readily available to me right now.

You know it's nearly summer in China when...

• ...the women have exchanged their knee-high black boots for strappy open-toed shoes (which are always to be worn with flesh-colored ankle socks).
• ...your students come to class in dresses straight out of the Barbie catalogue.
• ...your classroom could be easily mixed up with a sauna.
• ...the school's policy requiring teacher's to wear sleeved shirts seems like the cruelest form of torture possible.
• ...all you can think about is that long flight back to the Prairie and the joys of being able to buy a finely-aged cheddar without having to hop on a 3 hour train to Beijing.

Hey Hilary, what's been going on lately? Glad you asked!

-I just recently returned from an amazing three weeks of worldly traveling to realize I still have a month of teaching and no lesson plans in mind.

-I spent a weekend in Beijing being spoiled by Dave's parents and showered with Mojitos and Gin and Tonics, delicious!!

-I finally began to recover from a plague of mosquito bites and have now developed a rash. I managed to go see a doctor who gave me a prescription for some little white pills, which conveniently don't have an English translation.

-I got a second opinion on my rash and was told that it is a form of "speckles." Yes, Chinese medical terminology is just that advanced.

-I've been attacked by mosquitoes again. So, in addition to sweating profusely in the sweltering heat and trying my darnedest not to scratch my ever-so-attractive rash, I now have large red welts all over. I'm beginning to suspect the air-pollution makes the mosquito's toxin all the more deathly... not that I'm complaining.

Conversation of the Week

Random Chinese Girl: Excuse me, could you help me with something?
Hilary: Of course...
RCG: How do you spell the city of Canada called Toronto?

This conversation came as a shock to me for a few reasons:
1-I was drenched in rain and wandering around Guangzhou looking for an ATM with Dave.
2-I'm not used to Chinese people speaking English so well outside of the classroom.
3-I had smugly assumed she would be asking to take a picture with the token foreigners, not for spelling advice...My g-d I've turned into an arrogant snob!

One of the problems with finding hotels via the internet is the inability to really get a feel for their reputation. When we checked into our hotel in Nanning, we were quite pleased with our beautifully decorated surroundings. However, we arrived at our room to discover a variety of oils and other unmentionables on our bed stand, available for purchase from the hotel. It was then that the little lightbulb in my head put those items together, with the neighborhood we were in, and promptly started flashing a "Rooms for rent, by the hour" sign.

Traveling Firsts
-The amount of bug bites I managed to amass in such a short period of time. 4 in one sitting at the WC...hehe, WC!
-Being stuck in a tropical rainstorm every day, at the same time, for an entire week.
-Cockroaches as big as chihuahuas that seem to outnumber all residents of Southeast Asia.
...and my absolute favorite - The looks of bewilderment, and subsequent helplessness, across the faces of the Chinese people whose escalator had just stopped working. It took them a full minute to start walking down the newly-stationary stairs.

Well, I've been on a tropical island for the last few days and it only seems fair that I impart some of the valuable lessons that I've learned...

-I can withstand blisteringly hot temperatures, as long as there is below 30% humidity...In other words, Southern Thailand is not somewhere I could settle down. Kansas in May seems like a cool sip of Lipton's right now.


-There have been numerous casualties during my visits, mainly pertaining to my clothing and toiletries. Thus far, I've managed to lose the bug spray, a bottle of gin, and most of my composure.


-Thanks to the tropical rainstorms , and yes, I like to emphasize that I have been in a few tropical storms of late, I have lost 2 pairs of sandals. Apparently, wearing my Tevas out in the rain around Hanoi allowed them to collect various samples of many a stool. Vigorous washing did not prove successful. Mold, and then abandonment, ensued.

Since I'm not in Vietnam, I didn't just return from a fabulous 2 day cruise into Halong Bay. Although, I'm sure if I had just enjoyed a sun-filled weekend, amazing food, and a beautiful private cabin, I would never gloat about it on my blog. That would just be in poor taste.

-I must admit I feel rather slighted, never having enjoyed the wonder that is Vietnamese Chicken with Lemongrass and Chili. However, I could do without the torrential downpours that are predicted for the next week.

-As I was saying, it's more than refreshing to be surrounded by a language other than Chinese...And, despite my maturity, seeing a Vietnamese sign that reads "Duc Phuc" gives me the giggles.

-Among the fascinating new things I've not come across in Vietnam, the Elephant Cow is my favorite. Northern Vietnam is covered in beautiful green farmland, which is in turn covered with massive cows which appear to have the skin of elephants...My next task is to smuggle one home with me.

-I've recently been introduced to the phenomenon of Google Analytics. It's just perfect for someone like me, who compulsively likes to check how many people read their blog...So, I know there's a few of you out there, start posting comments!

It's a rainy day in the neighborhood...At least, that's if your neighborhood is Hanoi. Not that I'm in Hanoi, because I'm in America for Uncle Bob's wedding. I would never ever clandestinely take time off from work to hop borders in southeast Asia. So, I know offer you the musings of my alter-ego, who just happens to be traversing around Vietnam and Thailand. Vietnam is amazing. Just getting out of China in and of itself is a wondrous relief from the ordinary. Hanoi is just as busy as Beijing, but with even more deranged traffic. We've been offered to following advice for crossing busy streets: Just walk across slowly, but, whatever you do, don't stop. It's a real adrenaline rush after you escape several near-misses from more motorbikes than you can count on both hands. My first few days were spent sightseeing, stuffing myself, and dodging traffic.

The few things I've left to conquer include my fear of riding motorbikes, and the humid disaster that is my hair. My only hope now is that the day-long torrential rains might deter the cockroaches from skittering out of the sewers tonight. Oh, Vietnam!

An American Geography Lesson

The names in the following conversation have been changed to protect the participant's identity...and dignity.

Hilary: We're going to Hanoi first.
Shmemily: Oh cool!...Why is Hanoi popular?
H: It's the capital.
S: The capital of what?
H: Vietnam...
S: Really...What's Bangkok the capital of?
H: Thailand...
S: Really!

So, dearest reader, this will be my last post before my travels begin. I leave tomorrow for a brief three week journey to wonders outside the walls of China. Thank g-d. Before I depart, I'll leave you a few gems of insight.

-Apparently the only two things I learned during my 5 months in Australia were the proper use for "stubbies" and that the flag bears the Southern Cross. Literally, that's all I can remember.
-Most of us have heard that the water in China isn't exactly safe for drinking. Turns out, it isn't safe for goldfish either. Oops.
-There's nothing quite like the hodge podge of music that one hears in China. The Backstreet Boys is most popular, as always. But, just yesterday, I was lucky enough to enjoy a taxi ride serenaded by the gentle notes of House of Pain's 'Jump Around.' Not to be outdone, I also had the pleasure of hearing a student practice their harmonica in our dormitory.

Hilary: So, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask after class.
Student: Could you explain the grammatical significance of this passage in my book?
H: Hmmm...Not really.

-Without fail, the soundtrack to 'Forest Gump' is played on our school's broadcast system everyday at 4.
-It's obvious that China has taken its toll on my mental and physical well-being...Especially after I eat an entire bag of popcorn in one sitting...and then accidentally eat a chocolate bar. Have to look good for those Thai beaches!!
-Most food products in China don't have their expiration dates listed, only production dates...So, if anyone could please tell me the shelf life for peach yogurt, I'd really save myself some unsavory morning surprises.

One morning, Someone Else (I swear, it wasn't me!) was waiting for their chauffeured ride to their second job. However, this morning was different from all those other early Friday's because the driver was 10 minutes late...This would have been easily dismissed, but, the driver was then 20 minutes late to pick up Someone Else later that afternoon.
Ms. Liu: (via mobile phone) The driver will be there in 10 minutes. Please wait.
Someone Else: Okay.
ML: (in person) The driver wants me to tell you that he is sorry.
SE: It's okay.
ML: He was very drunk last night and this morning he was very tired. He hopes you will understand.
SE: Of course...

And with that, I'm off to my home for Cousin Bob's three week's of wedding festivities... Check back soon because I just may keep you informed of Someone Else's adventures in Vietnam and Thailand!

-Apparently the memo has gone out because the Chinese appear to have finally stopped wearing their long underwear. I guess the weather had to make the jump from a chilly 80 to a sweltering 85 degrees for the ordinance to take effect.
-I may just have to pull my hair out if forced to attempt to acquire train tickets at the Beijing West Station again...it reminds me a lot of the outer circles of Purgatory.
-My TV hasn't been turned on in two months thanks to the abundance of pirated DVD's and the lack of decent programming on the fabulous CCTV 9 (the only English language station, which shows the same programs every 3 hours)...oh, CCTV, how I loathe thee!
-Spring has finally hit the Shizz in full force. The weather is lovely, for the most past, and there are blue skies every few days. The trees are blooming with milkweed and even some gorgeous pink blossoms...This, of course, means it's time for the City Works Department to come and cut all the branches off the trees again. Oh, China.

Knock Knock

Unknown Knocker: (knocks)
Hilary: (briskly crosses the foyer, opens door)
That One Guy: Hello. Hilary.
Hilary: Hi?
TOG: They [the Furies] want to know if they can come put some poison in your room.
Hilary: Okay...

Yes, that's how my Monday evening began. I promise, it's not as bad as it seems...well, sorta. Ever since I returned from my spring travels, my kitchen has been haunted by cockroaches, which were referred to by TOG as "black beetles," in a rather nonchalant manner that infuriated me. His visit was to inform me that my university has finally purchased some serious anti-insect stuff for my apartment...It only took 3 months, which is pretty fast when you consider the bureaucracy that makes China tick! You may wonder how I've survived these last months with a kitchen infested with Satan's spawn. It's really quite simple, my desire to eat slightly outweighs my fear of roaches. The only damage done so far is my anxiety attacks upon entering my kitchen, and roach guts on the bottom of my fluffy slippers...Yum.

Please stay tuned because I may just get off my ass and write something else in the next few days. No promises though.

It's A Miracle!!!

It was nigh improbable, but it has finally happened...A slight motivation to post on my blog has finally coincided with my internet actually functioning. And they said it would never happen...I returned from over 3 weeks of world travelling and arrived to an apartment that had not been cleaned in a month and a roach problem. I accredit this entirely to the Furies, who decided that my apartment need not be cleaned if I wasn't there to see it. Cheers mates. Let's see... I do believe my last post was from Shenzhen. Since sitting down and writing a post is equivalent to pulling out my own teeth, I'll just share the necessary highlights and intimate details of my travels.

After taking a 22 hour train from Shijiazhuang, we arrived in Guangzhou. We had a mere matter of hours to find a commuter train that would take us from Guangzhou to Shenzhen, so we stumbled off the train and started following the throngs in front of us. After a few minutes of bewilderment we heard someone up ahead to the left screaming about Shenzhen on a megaphone. After locating the ticket office for the commuter train I noticed that the person on the megaphone was rather talkative, annoyingly so even. Upon inspection, I discovered that it was actually two train station employees talking to each other, each on a megaphone, less than 10 feet apart. My head nearly exploded.

Well, we made it to Shenzhen safely, and in one piece, although I certainly can't say the same for most of our luggage. Apparently I had a little too much confidence in my 3 dollar suitcase that I purchased from a small storage unit/"store" in the small market next to my school. Within less than a week one of the wheels had somehow retracted inside the suitcase, rendering it into a one-wheeled wonder...or just a giant piece of crap. You really get what you pay for...damn. From Shenzhen we took an early morning ferry to Macau. It was great to be on the water, although the water was basically the color of asphalt. Oh, China.

We disembarked in Macau and were pleasantly surprised to recieve even more stamps in our passports than anticipated. Exiting the ferry terminal we noticed two things: 1) The weather was now a balmy 70 degrees and 2) the cars were on the wrong side of the street. The latter was only obvious after: looking left, stepping into the street, and instantaneous shock,which was accompanied by blaring horns and the sudden realization of our imminent demise. Oh, Macau. In this 'semi-autonomous' region they not only drive the wrong way, but they also speak Portuguese. It was quite an exciting change of pace not to hear Chinese coming from every direction...not to say that Chinese isn't the most pleasant and wondrously musical of languages. After being ripped off unbelievably at the food court of Macau's beautiful airport, we took our newly exchanged Thai Baht and settled down to wait for our plane.

Bangkok. Apparently they drive the wrong way in Thailand as well, but luckily we had practiced looking right, then left, in Macau. Within 30 minutes of arriving in the 'City of Angels,' I had managed to swipe my jeans for a breezy summer skirt, simply because I could do so without risk of frostbite. We managed to make it to our hostel in Bangkok without getting ripped off by the taxi driver as we had feared. However, it was a little difficult to find our new lodgings having only the few directions we had skimmed from the internet, which told us the hostel was "next to the Seven Eleven." (Note to readers: Do not stay at Big John's Backpacker Hostel unless you like rooms the size of closets, filthy bathrooms, and a jerk of an owner.) Little did we know, everything in Thailand is next to a Seven Eleven. It's a government mandate that there must be no fewer than 2 of said establishments on each side of one city block. That's a lot of convenience for one city! It was in the 'lobby' of Big John's that it dawned on me I would need to work on my conversation skills...This occurred to me after having met a young man from Sweden and immediately asking him his thoughts on the wonder that is IKEA. We had been advised that Bangkok's pollution was 'absolutely terrible.' This turned out to be an exaggeration seeing as Bangkok's air on a bad day is still better than that of Shijiazhuang's on a good day. We managed to bum around Bangkok for a bit, even visiting the world's biggest mosaic, comprised entirely by pieces of broken mirrors and ceramic bowls, aka The Grand Palace. It was incredibly beautiful, and rather shiny.

After 3 days of the country's capital we hopped on a train to Pattaya and arrived mid-afternoon. We boarded an open-air taxi, aka pick-up truck with bench seats in the bed, in preparation of being whisked off to our new accommodations. As we got into the city we noticed that the city of Pattaya certainly had a lot going for it in terms of beaches, restaurants, and bars and clubs...and Ladyboys. We spotted our first Ladyboy as they were weaving in out of traffic behind us on a motor scooter. It was the adam's apple that gave it away...And the masculine jaw. However, the taxi didn't stop in that ever-so attractive part of town...It kept driving, and driving...and driving, until we reached the edge of town, where our hotel was located. Okay, I exaggerate. We weren't on the edge of town, just really really close to it. (Note to readers: Do stay at the Jomtien Cozy Inn if you want an incredibly helpful and friendly staff.) We had fed ourselves, piled on SPF 8, met the Ladyboy cashier at the local Seven Eleven, and found a spot on the beach all by 3 o'clock. During the next couple days I accomplished several miraculous tasks: a searing sunburn, discovering the wonder that is Tom Kha Gai, spending an outrageous amount of money, and holding a lemur. In the words of myself, it was Friggin Awesome. After 3 days of Ladyboy and Hooker spotting, we dragged our suitcases along the scorching asphalt for several kilometers, on a scorching 95 degree afternoon, and caught a bus to Rayong.

We knew Rayong was known for its' beaches and not its' tourist attractions, so we hit the beach ASAP. I noticed that the beaches were different than those of Pattaya in that the sand seemed to have a strange texture...There seemed to be random holes all over the beach, surrounded by tiny rice-sized pellets of sand... And thus I encountered the crabs. From that point on, I no longer felt safe on the beach and had to stave off near-panic attacks every time I had to walk across that infested sand...My frail heart is not equipped for anything with an exoskeleton (other than a ladybug). After a few days of sunbathing and relaxing in Rayong, it was time to move on.

Somehow, we made it through several buses, taxis, and even a ferry and found ourselves on the lovely island of Koh Chang. Yes, I was on a tropical island. TROPICAL. We arrived at our beachfront bungalow at about 7 in the evening. Did I mention we had a Beachfront Bungalow? It was amazing, despite the ant infestation in the bathroom. Our time in Koh Chang passed in a relaxing blur of shopping, eating and sun-bathing. Our resort had a yummy restaurant and a wonderful waiter who could have been a voice-double for Fez from That 70's Show...Every morning we could count on him for a sweetly effeminate 'Good-morning' and even had the delight of hearing him practice his English by reading aloud a dialogue about interesting Pop Music. Maybe you just had to be there... Unfortunately, the beach by our resort was even more crab-laden than that in Rayong (I'm saying you can't walk on the beach without stepping on a tinyevilcrab...), and I was forced to sun-bathe next to the gorgeous Infinity pool that was a mere 20 feet from the Gulf of Thailand. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make... We managed to spend even more money on amazing jewelry and Chang Beer t-shirts and even found an Italian bakery where we could buy a hunk of Parmigiano Reggiano and ciabatta for 1 USD. On our last night we ventured to a little Italian restaurant, or trattoria, named Invito. The atmosphere was perfect...The night sky and warm ocean breeze were only slightly sullied by the bar full of hookers, next door, dancing and singing drunkenly to Sean Paul and Jay-Z.

In the end, facing the disaster that is the Chinese Train System, we chose to book a flight from Shenzhen to Macau and fore go the 20+ hours of train rides it would take to get home. However, I was a little careless with booking our flight and the flight time and the ferry-times didn't quite line up...Therefore, we had the privilege of walking over the Chinese border from Macau into Shenzhen. This was pretty cool for two reasons: 1) we were going across a national border on foot and 2) we had been under the impression Macau was an island...All I'll say is that maps can be difficult to read.

And now, here I am, back in the Shizz... What can I say that I've learned from my travels?

• It's incredibly difficult to use the bathroom on a Thai bus while it's moving, but it can be done.
• There are few things that can match the entertainment value and awe of spotting Ladyboys, especially when they hit on your male friends...
• The King of Thailand seems to be quite popular with his citizens.
• If a Thai woman is unusually beautiful, chances are that She's really a He.
• Although the food in Thailand is infinitely more varied and delicious than that of China, I still found myself craving fried rice and noodles at all hours of the day.
• There's always room for one more t-shirt in my suitcase.