My Journey to Purgatory
aka My Trip Back to the States
aka I Hate Air China With Every Fibre of My Being
(WARNING: Long Post!!)

July 30, 2007: The time had come for me to return to 'the States,' an event that I'd been looking forward to with oh so much anticipation. I'd battled with my school and won myself a one-way ticket back to Kansas City. I deserved that ticket too - I'd made it through just under 12 months of ridiculousness in China. Yes, ridiculousness is the best word to describe my experiences as a whole. I'll do my best to describe the ensuing journey to the best of my ability, all the while employing my cunning mastery of English (sans my usually impeccable grammar) and appropriately sardonic wit.

'Early' that morning...

10:00 AM Wake-up for a delicious complimentary breakfast in Beijing's Crown Royal Hotel.
10:30 AM Putter about. Think of things we can take from the hotel room, without incurring a bill.
12:00 PM Make our way down to the lobby, with the help of several bellhops. I really like bellhops; they come in handy when you have four 50 pound bags (23 Kg) for just one, small, fabulous person...like me. The entire hobbit family hops into an over-sized van that can hardly hold 6 people and 9 large bags, plus countless carry-ons, and we're on our way to make 4 and 4:30pm flights. If all goes well, I should be home by midnight on the morning of July 31.

The 7th Circle

1:00 PM Arrive at Beijing's Capital Airport...the 7th circle of Purgatory. Somehow we manage to get all of our 9 suitcases/duffels through the main entrance. We alternate keeping an eye on the luggage, as there always seems to be thieves about in China, with squinting at the scoreboard to find our gate. Then we scramble for pens so that we can fill out one of many rounds of paperwork, just to get through to the check-in counters. I part ways with the rest of the fam, as I'm flying all by my lonesome on China Air and those gluttons will be on United, flying business class.
1:45 PM Everyone is checked in, as well as our over 400 pounds of luggage. Yes, we Dubinsky's really like our luggage. Oh, I almost forgot! My 4pm flight has been delayed until 7, and I don't have a gate an assignment.
3:00 PM We've managed to fill out several additional sheets of paperwork, make it through customs and security, and arrive in the International Departures Terminal. What do we have to show for it? A lousy Chinese stamp... After living in China a year, the last thing I want is another stamp. I still don't have a gate.
3:05 PM My father politely informs me that we only have 4 United Business-Class Lounge passes and I'll be waiting outside on the bench. Emily is kind enough to offer to bring back several refreshments so we can have an impromptu picnic on the bench outside the Special People Lounge. I feel like a stalker while I'm sat waiting for her to come back.

Abandoned.

3:50 PM Time to take 10 minutes and walk with my family to their gate. We arrive to find out their gate has been changed to one right across from the business lounge. Coincidentally, all those moving walkways we rushed across to get there are one-way only. Still no gate.
4:00 PM The sky has turned a dark grey-blue and bolts of lightning are filling the sky, accompanied by strong winds and, like, lots of rain. Their flight is delayed indefinitely.
5:00 PM Turns out indefinitely only meant an hour. My family boards the plane. I sit around waiting for their plane to take off, just to make sure they depart okay.
6:15 PM Their plane finally takes off. Good thing I had 'People' to keep me company. I mosey over to the Departures board. It appears I still have a flight at 7pm, but I mysteriously have no gate. My boarding pass has "19?" written in the Gate section, which is less than promising but I have nothing else to do.

What now?

6:16-8:30 PM I manage to scrape together a meal at Starbucks and spend a few hours dividing my time between reading a crappy mystery novel, finishing a Frappuccino, and carelessly abandoning my belongings while briskly walking to check the Departures board.
9:00 PM I hear a rumor that our flight will be leaving from Gate 10 and rush over there to find 98% of the seats filled with fellow passengers of my CA985 flight. I manage to find a seat amid the groups of Chinese who are taking turns sleeping and watching luggage. Air China hands out really scary looking Chinese food for dinner, as though this will alleviate the pain-in-the-assness of our delay. People have begun to gather around the podium to try and find out what's going on. All questions are met with a stern "We are not sure what is happening."
9:30 PM The flight is canceled due to 'weather conditions.' This would be believable, except I can see several flights taking off outside on the runway. Some passengers request that Air China take us to a hotel until another flight can be arranged. The answer is "No," which is unsurprising to say the least. I meet Frida, a Chinese woman who lives in the US, and Debbie, her 8 yr old daughter.

Panda-monium!!

10:00 PM The group around the podium keeps growing larger and people begin shouting.
10:30 PM The shouting continues as one very disgruntled Chinese man starts shouting in broken-English about a petition.
10:40 PM The shouting dies down slightly as Air China personnel hand out packs of cookies and 5 minute phone cards. 5 whole minutes!!
11:00 PM The Broken-English shouter says something unintelligible. Frida lets me know that we have the option to go crash the United Business-Class Lounge. Finally, I get to see what the other side lives like.
11:10 PM Unfortunately, most of my fellow passengers stay in the waiting area and only the shouters, whiners, and complainers follow into the lounge. I quickly throw my things down next to Frida while Debbie and I go scavenge around for food and beverage. Success- I found some peanuts and a Watson's Ginger Ale.
11:15 PM-12:15 AM I frantically try to download Skype, which after 30 minutes of monitor-staring doesn't end up working. The complainers continue to whine to Air China personnel about their need to fly out IMMEDIATELY, due to a number of fictitious health problems. Airport personnel doesn't card. Airport Security is brought in and the noise-level increases noticeably. Debbie is simultaneously translating for me because, of course, none of the personnel present speak English. Debbie excitedly tells me "things are heating up!"and people are threatening to sue. She then promptly goes to fall asleep next to Frida and I am left without a translator.

Why are you still here?

2:00 AM I've been finishing my mystery novel (the doctor did it) and am suddenly approached by an Air China employee who asks what flight I was on and then asks "Do you know about the hotel?" I ask her to explain and she tells me that there is a bus to take all CA985 passengers to a hotel, as we are not allowed to spend the night in the airport. We asked about a hotel at 8pm, and finally get a green-light at 2am. She tells me she has no idea when another flight home will be arranged for us and the hotel is "very nearby."
2:15 AM Since Debbie refuses to wake up and walk, I offer to help out Frida with her luggage. That's how I somehow ended up walking back through Chinese customs with a luggage cart that just happened to have a sleeping 8yr old on it. My lousy blue "Exit" stamp is replaced with a bright red "Canceled" stamp and we all get on board a bus to head to the hotel. The bus smells like really dirty armpits.
3:00 AM We arrive at the "very nearby" hotel, I'm abandoned by Frida and Debbie, and eventually shown to a "very nice" room on the 2nd floor. I shower away the last 14 hours of airport time and crawl into bed, not knowing when, or if, I will be leaving this g-dless country. Dave calls again to make sure I still have my wits about me and wishes me good luck and sweet dreams.
5:00 AM My family finally lands in Chicago and Emily calls to check in on me. They seem surprised that I'm still stuck in China. I, however, knew that I would never get away that easily.

Get off at 8.

7:30 AM After a few hours hours of restless sleep, I'm awakened by a telephone call from a disgruntled Chinese woman telling me "You, get off at 8." When asked to clarify this cryptic statement, she hangs up on me. Luckily, thanks to my months of experience with the art of Chinese conversation, as well as English-Chinese conversation, I interpret this as "Please be downstairs by 8am to board the bus to the Beijing Airport."
8:00 AM I run into Debbie and Frida again, and somehow manage to end up carrying some of their luggage, again. The still-smelly bus pulls away and rambles towards the 7th circle of hell...aka Beijing's Capital Airport.
9:00 AM We arrive at PEK to find out that we have a flight scheduled for "around 11am." I then fill out more tiny slips of paper again, and go through the entire check-in process, again. With some twist of fate, I'm able to get my connecting flights in the US, that I missed yesterday, rescheduled to more feasible times in the immediate future. This small accomplishment leaves me feeling as though Rome was actually built in a day, by yours truly.
10:00 AM We arrive at our designated gate, which just happens to be the crappiest one in the whole airport, and note that we have a scheduled departure time of 11:30am. Everything seems to be on the 'up and up' and I inform Emily of such when she calls again to check in on me. Frida and I take turns watching the luggage as Debbie occupies herself by sliding down stair railings. More waiting ensues.
12:00PM After an hour of glaring at the departure screen, I finally get onto a bus that will supposedly take me to the newly dubbed CA985-A. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if the bus actually took me back to the Shizz and I was conscripted into teaching for another term. To my shock, there's actually a plane waiting for us and I'm able to finagle my way into a window seat. So,just 20 hours later, I'm strapped into my tiny Economy chair and ready to fly back to sanity.

Seriously? Seriously.

3:45 PM We've been sitting in the plane, in the same spot on the tarmac, for just under 4 hours. For some reason, Air China thought this wouldn't be a problem as long as they served us lunch after the first 2 hours of stand still. A large, and or course obnoxious, American is walking up and down the aisles attempting to inspire a mutiny. He's threatening to walk off the plane if the so-called "mechanical problems" aren't resolved within the next half an hour. We have been delayed, cancelled, and then delayed again, for nearly 24 hours... He has a good point.
4:30 PM Air China has apparently received the necessary go-ahead for departure, and by go-ahead I mean stamps. China runs on stamps. My fellow passengers begin to applaud as the plane finally begins to taxi towards the runway. I inwardly scream "Why are you clapping when we're taking off a day late?!"
5:30 PM Our plane actually lifts off the ground and my heart nearly explodes from the joyous thought of escape. I take a much-deserved Ambien and drift off to sleep with a half-grin on my face.

And then.

July 31, 1:00 PM I finally arrive in the US, via sunny San Francisco. Praise g-d. All those connecting flights I was lucky enough to get rescheduled? Missed. I've now rescheduled and missed the same set of flights two times. But I have my luggage, and I'm in America; nothing can rain on that parade.
1:30 PM I quickly make my way through customs but somehow don't receive a "Welcome Home!" stamp, or even a simple "Entry" stamp. Oh well. I locate a United ticketing counter and am nearly overwhelmed by how easy it is to communicate with the agent. I forgot how much easier life is in America.
3:50 PM I board my plane and fly off to Denver, but only after a couple trips to See's Candies and reading through the latest trashy magazines. Our plane arrives and I rush off, as much as one can rush off a plane, to make my connection. I frantically scramble towards a Departures Board and pull on my super-cool glasses just in time to see my 9:30pm flight has been delayed til 11:15pm. Oh well, it's only an hour and 45 minutes! For the next couple hours I pass the time by racking up internet charges on my father's phone and try not to glare too obviously at the people who are complaining about an 105 minute delay. It's not an easy task.

Woohoo!!

August 1 2007, 1:20 AM 11 months, 3 weeks and 3 days later, I'm home. Finally.