Off to Beijing for the week!

Two posts in one day! It's almost like I don't have a job...

• In case you haven't figured it out, things in China don't usually happen like you would hope they would. This being said, I plan to purchase a large cow bell, which I shall wear aound my neck, just so that I can ring it every time something makes sense around here.
• My kitchen is not the cleanest (send Lysol) of places. One day, while hoping to reheat some fried rice, I discovered that the Chinese smoglight had solidified on the surface of my favorite bowl. That's not hot.
• I really miss Western food. Especially things with cheese and butter... that have been prepared in clean workplaces.

The following are two of my favorite conversations thus far in China. I have paraphrased for my own amusement and convenience.
Phone rings. 8 AM on Wednesday. Class doesn't start til 10 and I plan on sleeping in late.

• Jenny: Uhm, hello, Hilary?
• Hilary: Hello Jenny. How are you?
• Jenny: Uh, I am sorry to have waked you.
• Hilary: Oh no, it's okay.
• Jenny: Uhm, you know the president of our college wishes to meet you.
• Hilary: Oh really? When?
• Jenny: In one hour.
• Hilary: (oh phuck) Okay, I will be there at 9.

English Corner. Thursday, 7:10 PM.

• Jenny: Hilary, I uhm maybe have some bad news for you.
• Hilary: Oh no, what is it?
• Jenny: I have receieved a message from Mr. Zhang. He called when I was out, so another person took the message.
• Hilary: Okay...
• Jenny: You should prepare...uhm...800 Yuan to bring tomorrow.
• Hilary: What the !!*&#$&@!!

Because of conversations like this, I have found myself becoming increasingly upset at stationary objects. Anything lying on my floor should beware of my wrath.

• In America, if someone is walking around with headphones on, you usually wouldn't speak to them, especially if they were a stranger. However, in the Middle Kingdom, my desire to be incommunicado does not translate. This has lead to a number of irritating encounters with street solicitors.
• Around 10 AM, what I can only assume was rifle practice, began on the sports field outside of my window. Each time a shot went off, it was accompanied by the car alarm it had just triggered. Maybe this is why I don't get as much sleep as I used to.
• The Chinese in the Shizz have put a massive amount of time and money into landscaping their city. The city is covered by numerous topiary feats that blow my mind. However, having spent time in close proximity with a number of citizens while using public transportation, I can say that their desire to trim shrubbery does not translate to their own body hair.

All right, those of you who have spent more than a few hours with me, know that I happen to watch a fair amount of TV. This habit has carried over into China, even though most of the programming, 97.2% to be exact, is in Chinese. Due to the "barrier," most of my TV time is spent making cynical observations about the state of Chinese telemedia. Here's a few for your enjoyment:

• There is a Chinese version of American Idol, or a similar talent show, on TV almost 24 hours a day, on a variety of channels. I rarely watch these, unless the contestants are singing/dancing to English language music. A few days ago, whilst I was surfing instead of working, I heard a familiar ditty. "Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. Having caught my ear, I turned my gaze to the screen only to see a scantily clad, and rather skinny, Chinese girl attempting to dance. My final conclusion? Chinese girls can't shake it.
• Chinese TV does not have those fabulous "Girls Gone Wild" advertisements after 9 PM, which is okay with me. However, they do have a number of other sordid infomercials. My favorite is for penis enlargement. Of course, I am only assuming that's what it was for, seeing as I don't understand Chinese. But the show did have a large number of men with giant grins, women in bathrobes surrounding them, and something suspicious in brightly colored boxes. Obviously an enlargement commercial.
• Chinese women are very close to being obsessed with having white skin. Most skin products here, lotions and cleansers, contain ingredients to bleach skin. It's a good thing I brought my Cetaphil! Back to infomercials, many of them are for skin products. Most are magic whitening lotions, but my favorite is for the chromed silver full face mask that gets rid of any facial imperfection, while turning your skin a shade of supreme whiteness.
• The two phenomenon I most often come across while watching Chinese TV are women crying, and montages. The Chinese really like montages. Almost as much as they like bicycles.

I finally got my mailing address woohooo!!! If you would like to send me ANYTHING please use the following:

Hilary Dubinsky
International Student Building Rm.101
Hebei Normal University
#469 Hongqi Dajie, Shijiazhuang
Hebei 050091, P.R.China

If you are perhaps wondering what I might like to receive in the mail, might I offer some suggestions? Okay!

• French Vanilla Crisp Pria Bars (Chinese "breakfast" doesn't cut it)
• Lysol Cleaning Wipes (please, my kitchen is begging you!)
• Spearmint Orbitz Chewing Gum (we all know how my breath is...)
• Cheese (I'm sure there is a stable Italian cheese out there that can withstand shipping and Customs)
• Ritter Sport's "Milk Chocolate Bar with Butter Biscuit" pleeeeease!!!
• anything that might brighten my day... Gold Kruggerands are also acceptable.
• if you send me a blank CD, and a SASE, I will send you ALL my pictures from China. Is that a deal or what!?

Over and out.

Payday was not nearly as exciting as hoped for. This was probably because I didn't actually get paid today. My paper work is just getting started in the system. This resulted in Jenny saying, "Maybe you get paid tomorrow, or Wednesday, or maybe Thursday." If food wasn't so darn cheap here I'd probably freak out. The highlight of the day, since there was no paycheck, was having clean sheets put on my bed. The suspicious tomato stain is now gone!
"Keep it secret. Keep it safe." At any given time in the evening, there is an English or American film on the television. However, whether or not the film is still in English, or dubbed in Chinese, is always fun to find out. For the last couple of days it's been LOTR. Golem still inspires pity in me and those dark horsemen make me want to hide under my incredibly uncomfortable bed. Back to the point! Turns out some English/American movies are much more tolerable when dubbed in Chinese. This is especially true for anything with Vin Diesel, Milla Jovovich, and/or vampires, in it.


About that mountain I climbed on Saturday...My legs are still aching something terrible. The pain is assuaged only by the fact that I totally peed on the side of the mountain. Ha! Take that Mount Xiantai! To be honest though, the mountain-side has been the cleanest public restroom I have encountered in this country.

Thanks to "Someone," who shall remain nameless, I have now most assuredly eaten pork. To be fair, the Chinese are quite deceptive and tend to tell me everything is chicken...those sneaky people! This has led to two developments/conclusions. 1. Pork tastes like chicken. 2. I no longer order Tang Su Li Ji...or whatever the hell that was.
There was a super scary looking bug, vaguely resembling a silverfish, that just skittered across my floor. I killed it. I'll let you know when the remorse sets in... I am relatively sure it came from the Paleolithic or Pre-Cambrian period, by way of Under My Bathtub. Time to buy some Raid...it's funny how they don't have Lysol or Clorox here, but they have plenty of Raid.
Since I finally got my new mouse to function, on my evil Chinese computer, I am now able to perform any task that requires clicking, highlighting and dragging. Yes, that means I can play Solitaire. Go ahead, imagine how this has impacted the time spent on my lesson preparation...
Being a teacher is not nearly as sexy as those music videos make it out to be...having been constantly covered in a coat of chalk dust for the last three weeks may well have forced me to that conclusion.
At any given time of the day, my bowels start to twist as though they want to jump out of my body. I attribute this to the red chili flakes they sneak into all the food here. Or maybe it's the fact that the market I lunch in has deplorable standards of sanitation. The thought of using a Chinese Squatty Potty is usually enough to make the feeling subside.

Well who woulda known there would be two sets of McDonald's, each right next to a UBC Coffee, within 2 blocks of each other? The answer to that question is, "Not I." And that is why I was lost and in a state of near panic for a good 20 minutes today. And that is why I was also forced to use a public telephone that I most certainly contracted something from. Let me point out that it was just "near panic" and not real "panic." My anxiety about getting lost, never to be found again, in the Shizz is getting much better.

It was a rather rainy day today. In the US, at least where I usually roam, that means that things get a bit of a cleaning and afterwards the city looks noticeably more fresh. However, here "rainy day" just means that the dirt and excrement that coat the streets gets rearranged a little. This usually ends with my having filthy feet. But then again, nearly every day does. My paranoia about the dormitory assistants being evil and surly was confirmed on Thursday. Jenny tried to ask them about setting up a date for someone to come work on my internet, and somehow ended up in a screaming match with them. Jenny is one of the nicest people I've met here, and puts up with my stupid questions, so that's just how malicious these ladies are. I shall now call them the Three Furies (even though there may be 4 of them).

Speaking of paranoia, I had a sneaking feeling that there was something dodgy about the taxi drivers here. Each taxi has a small certificate with the driver's name, ID #, and a photo. After taking a few taxis I began to think that a lot of the drivers looked awfully familiar, even though I've never been in the same taxi twice. I wondered if perhaps that racist ideology of "They all look the same" was at work in my small mind. Then I figured maybe the taxi company only had about five taxi drivers photos which they randomly put on taxi certificates. Then I circled back to thinking I was just plain ridiculous and of course the company would never do something like that and all of the photo ID's are unique and beautiful and matched with their driver. However, when I stumbled into a cab this morning, glanced at the familiar Chinese man's photo on the ID, and then saw a long-haired woman driving, I knew that my suspicions had been correct all along. Brilliant!

English Corner. Holy crap. Thursday night from 7-9 I was literally encased by a solid circle of 20-40 Chinese students. Here are a few of the questions I was asked, repeatedly: 1. Do you speak Chinese? 2. Do you want to learn Chinese? 3. Why are you in China? 4. Do you have a boyfriend? 5. Would you marry a Chinese man? 6. Do you want to see a movie with me? 7. Can you teach me to be a better English speaker? 8. Do you like Chinese music? 9. Do you like Chinese food? 10. Will you be going to the 2008 Beijing Olympics? 10. Is your hair color natural? and my favorite... 11. How many children do you have? I like to assume that the last question was merely a misphrasing of "How many children do you want to have?" because I was asked that after staring in astonishment when being asked the prior. However, it could just be because I have a tummy. Jesus. The answer to most of these questions was no. My favorite comments of the night were: 1. I like your hair. 2. You are the most beautiful foreigner I have ever seen... and, 3. I think you should exercise.

And in case you were wondering what I did on Saturday morning, I climbed a phucking mountain. To the top. Using uneven stone stairs. My calves now feel as though they've been bludgeoned repeatedly with stone mallets. So, I guess the students were right, maybe I should exercise. Anywho the mountain was lovely and enshrouded with a slight mist, although, it could have been smog...
I have a new name for the daylight here. It's "smoglight." And, yes, I am in process of copyrighting "smoglight," so back off.
On my cab ride home, the driver made fun of my Chinese pronounciation of "shenme?" meaning "what?" I was in a good enough mood, thanks to a piece of toast and a milkshake, that I was able to laugh with him, rather than glower at him.

If you care, I should be throwing up more pictures within the next couple of weeks, just as soon as I can get the university to install a copy of Windows XP that isn't in Chinese. I also had the most delicious eggplant in the world on Saturday. In some parts of the world, this food is known as "Aubergine." Then again, in some parts of the world they eat their young. I'll stick with "eggplant."

So I finally got Blogger to load a few more pictures. Please enjoy.

Here is the preserved egg that I was offered by the Zhang upon emerging from a 2 hour traffic jam. The momentous traffic jam during which I first witnessed small children using pavement as a toilet. Wait! What's that you ask? Oh no, that's not the wrapper that is black. The egg itself is blackish-brown. I call it "brackish," even though I know that is the incorrect use of the word "brackish." Don't worry though, the yolk was only dark browny yellow. And I ate the whole thing...I was desperate.

In case you were wondering about the state of my apartment when I arrived...It was moldy.

These are the happy children that are posted on nearly every appliance in my apartment. Tonight is my first English Corner. This means...I sit in a giant circle of Chinese and Tibetan students for two hours straight while they shoot at me with their mediocre English. Stay tuned for the results.

Oh wow! Here's some more of my insightful remarks and snazzy photos!.. Boy, am I tired...
As I was told before arrival, the Chinese do not say no. They are more likely to say, "Hilary, I think this is not such a good idea."

The Chinese seem to have little regard for personal space. Especially when spitting up wads of phlegm.

My students never fail to gasp when I tell them my family has four cars. They also seem to appreciate that the four are called, "nice car, old car, bad car, and Dad's car." They laugh even more when I explain that my brother drives the "bad car" because he is a "bad driver"...

My students are required by our college to choose English names for use in Oral English class. However, this mandate does not require them to remember their English names. Taking attendance is always an adventure...Thank g-d for ID numbers.

The people in charge of cleaning my dorm room once a week despise me. I have reached this conclusion after noticing that the floors are dirtier after they have mopped and also upon discovering a small stain on my sheets that mysteriously resembles chili oil. Who said paranoia wasn't healthy?

I really miss eggs. And toast. And native English speakers.

Whenever I go into American food establishments, such as KFC, McD's or Pizza Hut, I am invariably forced into using a picture menu to order. At first I was astonished at how convenient this made things. Then I realized this is how mentally handicapped people are encouraged to select things in the US.

It turns out that the British aren't so bad with dental care... It's the Chinese after all.

Standing on the curb and looking confused will almost certainly bring a taxi within a few minutes.

I have a small animated icon of a lion on my desktop. He came with the computer and is apparently part of the security program. I have named him Lion. It seems to fit... My first couple days here were quite dreary and lonely seeing as Zach was at a campus 20 minutes away from me and we had yet to hear from any of the others. Lion was my constant companion. He even took naps and would make snoring noises. On occasion, he does something really cool like riding on a skateboard or donning a cape and wizard's hat. It would be really kickass if Lion were real...how sad...

So I finally resolve to sit down and get serious about this "blog" thing and of course I can't get Blogger to load. So I decide to type it on Microsoft and copy/paste. But no. Since my computer is running the Chinese version of Windows XP, Microsoft translates every letter into some Chinese character. Super.
So as I said, I shall attempt to get serious here. I'm shooting for the short, but witty, blog. And before I start, I must mention that I feel like a hypocrite and narcissist just for assuming that anyone might want to read about what I happen to be thinking/doing, etc. Now I shall attempt to relay some of my many witty observations and anecdotes:

• I really enjoyed my ride home this evening. Especially the part when my cab passed a bus crossing into the wrong lane, on a red light.
• Michael Jackson, circa pre-1990's, can brighten even the darkest day.

Driving regulations, such as solid yellow lines, are merely suggestions in Chinese.
Cabs honk in order to let you know they are about to hit you and will have no remorse if they actually do.

My teaching assistant, Jenny, took me out to a lovely lunch of dumplings and such. Fabulous restaurant with ice cold cokes. However, Jenny says I am not allowed to go to the restaurant by myself because I have to cross a very busy intersection and "Hilary does not pay enough attention." Of course, when Jenny said it, it came out more like, "I think maybe you only go here when you with other people."

Neon lights are quite common for nearly any business in the Shizz, not just the bars. I have realized this is because only neon waves will pierce the intense smog. This is the same smog that causes my finger to turn grey after insertion into my nose. Ew.

Prior to coming to China I was warned "not to look in the bottom of your soup bowl." I should have listened.

There are two phrases which seem to apply to numerous foods, and many locales, in China. "Something smells like shit," and "There seems to be something in the middle."

As far as I know, I have yet to eat any meat other than chicken and beef. But who knows...

In the Shizz, it is acceptable to crap and/or piss on the sidewalk. This goes mainly for small children... However, it is entirely unacceptable and bordering on insanity to put soy sauce on your rice. I found this out while dining with two of my students who gave me a rather incredulous look when I asked for the soy sauce. They then refused to hand it to me. This was followed by them physically moving the soy sauce out of my reach. It was only after I pleaded and begged and told them "This is how we do it in America" that I was allowed to try the soy sauce.