Hi. I'm stuck in China. It's official. I arrived at the Beijing Capital Airport over 10 hours ago and still haven't left. There are no English-speaking airline officials present, so all announcements are being translated to me by Debbie, an 8 year-old Chinese-American. My future is uncertain. I don't have a change of clothes, but I have a toothbrush. Stay tuned as events unfold!

Oh, John!

As some of you may, or may not, have noticed, the blog has been on a bit of a hiatus. Why? Because I've had better things to do. So, as I sit here in the Watermelon Shake that was spilled on me at dinner, I shall recount my most recent endeavors in a prose befitting only the most accomplished and worthy readers...(where did that come from?!)

I finished up my teaching gig at the Tibetan College on July 6th, after a week full of rather amusing oral exams. I then did an absolutely terrible job of packing the ridiculous amount of things that I've acquired. I still managed to fill a giant suitcase, two duffels and two backpacks, even after combing through everything and discarding a fair amount of junk. On July 7th, I headed to Beijing to meet my bestest friend/baby sister, Emily, at the airport. We spent a week travelling about and taking naps in in Beijing, Shijiazhuang, and Tianjin; quite the adventure! The rest of my hobbit family arrived late on July 16th, as their flight had been delayed nearly 7 hours. However, Emily and I only discovered the flight delay after making the hour long trip to the airport at 2 pm. Needless to say, we learned a lesson about checking flight status before leaving. Since the fam arrived, we've been travelling around quite a bit and I've decided that now (since I'm bored and the internet is available) would be a good time to tell you about our first adventure: Xi'an.

Like many tourists, my family decided to visit the famed Terracotta Soldiers. We were up in the wee hours, around 7, and then binged at the complimentary breakfast buffet at the Shangri-La Golden Flower Hotel. Then, with our bellies full of non-kosher items, we meandered to the first floor to wait for our tour group. That's when we met our guide, John. He had great English, but I guess some things must be learned from inside an English-speaking culture and other things just don't translate. By and far, he was the most entertaining aspect of the tour, which is why I will not describe any part of world-famous Terracotta Army (they were made of clay and there were many of them), but, instead I will only recount the sayings of John.

• We arrived the afternoon before to a Xi'an that was thoroughly covered in a downpour and the rainstorms had followed through the night and into the morning of our tour. Once situated in the tour van, John introduced himself and said "You can tell it's raining today...It's good."
• As our van pulled away from the hotel, John said "For now we're making the first turn, you're going to like this" At this point, we were treated to a view of nearly 20 couples practicing their ballroom dancing moves to techno music, beneath a highway underpass. My family was quite surprised, however this type of thing is quite common here.
• John's description of widely varied Chinese Cuisine: "For lunch, you can try any food you like. Spicy, non-spicy, vegetarian, or not."
• Another description, this time of Chinese fruits: "We have all the fruits. Grape and pomegranate."
• After giving us the day's itinerary, John opened the floor for questions. There were only three families on our tour, from three different countries. My family, the obnoxious Americans, had already asked several ridiculous questions, so the torch was passed to the siblings from England who gave a polite "Nothing yet, thanks." At that point, John asked if there were "any questions from Denmark," as that's were the last family was from. For some reason, the Danes thought it would be absolutely hilarious to ask when it would stop raining, at which point John said "I'm sorry, I'll have to call about that."
• John also took the time to point out fascinating landmarks: "Here we got a river, yes."
• John told us about his travels to the US: "I've been there. I went to Las Vegas. I saw David Copperfield, he shook my hand and made me disappear. You can shake my hand, it will be practically the same things as shaking his.
• John also told us about his fondness for American media: "I like talk shows. Have you seen Friends?" He also elaborated on his favorite movie stars, which of course included Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts, and a fellow named "Al Passino."
• John's explanation of China's tourism industry: "Everybody wanna be here."

My, that was a long post! I hope you've managed to wade through it and that a few bits were amusing. For now, I shall head back to my bungalow on Chaweng Beach. The next post may take a while, so in the mean time, I'll need some comments on my blog to serve as motivation (was that subtle enough?)!

Grab Bag Anecdotes

(aka Could life BE any more exciting right now?!)

• For the past few months, I've been continually harassed by pamphleteers on my way to work. I'm not sure that 'pamphleteer' is a word, but I like it. Usually it's a leaflet detailing the amazing new discounts at the nearby Purgatory, which doubles as a Supermarket. However, one business has been quite tenacious in offering their glossy booklets to me, the new neighborhood gym. Yes, I'll admit, my washboard abs wouldn't really be able to wash...anything. But, seriously, I don't want to think about joining a gym at 7:50 in the morning when I'm late to class, or at 4:30 when I'm ready to pull my hair out from a day's worth of repeated grammar corrections. After months of my repeated "No, thank you," the new gym managed to find it's one staff member with adequate English to chase me down on their moped, and then walk along side me for an entire block, whilst still on their vehicle. However, every rain cloud has it's silverish lining. Although I've taken a long time to get to my point, without this determined solicitor, I'm certain that at no point in my life would the following phrase be addressed towards moi:

"Would you like to join our bodybuilding club?"

• Today on my way home from my first day of final exams, which I happen to be giving (not taking), I encountered an unusual sight. It wasn't the normal baby peeing in the middle of KFC or that fancily dressed woman hocking a loogie on the side of the street. It was a fire in a trashcan. Not just any trashcan at that, but a trashcan shaped like a panda, which is hugging a trashcan. Everyone knows how those silly pandas just love their rubbish bins! Back to my point, numerous people were walking by and paying no heed to the acrid smoke, until yours truly pointed it out to the management and the situation was remedied with a basin of toxic tap water. I think there's some deeper meaning to this pand-apathy...

• And lastly, I shall share the best Chinese joke I've yet to hear. I'd like to point out that I've heard this from multiple sources, so it must be somewhat popular.

Person 1: How do you get to work?

Person 2: I take the Number 11 Bus.

Person 1: Hahahaha!!!

• What? You don't understand it, you say? Well, please let me explain. The 'Number 11 Bus' is a clever way to say that you walk to work. The '11' is supposed to be your legs. Yes, it's a real gut-buster!!! Be sure to tell your coworkers around the water cooler....

Short and Not So Sweet

Since I've been bored out of my mind in the past couple weeks, I've taken it upon myself to be a little more adventurous than usual. My venture of choice? Trying new fruits. I've had summer melons, miniature cherries, plums of all colors, and today... a lychee. I've had canned lychee before, and they weren't bad at all, I might even say they were refreshing! However, I can't say the same for the fresh one I ate tonight. Opening a lychee, or 'peeling' per se, is an ordeal in and of itself. Firstly, lychee have a dark red skin, with atexture that I can only describe as alien. Bumpy, yet smooth. Firm, yet yielding. It's weird, in a not-so-good way. Secondly, after peeling back the outside, which is more like a shell than like a traditional peel, the fruit itself is revealed. It's white and opaque, in an unnatural, un-fruity sort of way. It has has the feel of a peeled grape that's been injected with some type of firm gelatin. It's basically what I would imagine extra-terrestrial spawn to look like. Then, I ate it. The taste? Meh. At first it was sweet, like the canned variety. But then, it took on an almost savory taste, as though it had been fertilized with something unspeakable... I shall you leave you with that thought, as I now have a week of exams ahead of me, aka a week of gathering bloggeriffic insight!