And now for something completely different. I'd like to start with a little section called "You know you've been in China too long when..."

• "You know you've been in China too long when it doesn't phase you to see children defecating in the street, while their parents look proudly on.
• You know you've been in China too long when it doesn't occur to you that spitting out bad pieces of meat onto the table might be considered rude in some countries.
• You know you've been in China too long when 4 yuan (50 cents) for a chocolate popsicle is outrageously expensive, causing you to say "F*ck off" to the vendor.
• You know you've been in China too long when you have three adjectives, which you use to describe everything, because 95% of the Chinese are familiar with beautiful, interesting, and pretty.

While I was in Beijing, I went to the Great Wall. It really was Great, but just not in the way I expected. I was thinking it would be a rather fantastic, meandering ramp. Turns out the "untouched section" is more like an unending series of stairs, or deathtraps, that go up/down at about 89 degrees. I've never been much for geometry, I'm known for my daunting good looks and not my brains, but that's pretty steep, right?

Speaking of what I'm known for...I'm lazy. For this reason, and for some other good ones I can't remember, I decided to read Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" to a few of my classes. They genuinely appreciated the story and felt a profoundly deep sorrow for that poor, giving tree. They even understood the symbolism of a capitalist society that takes and takes, and never gives. I could tell that I had really made an impact. Coincidentally, that afternoon the City Works Department trimmed the branches of every tree around campus to virtual annihilation.

Next we have "In case you were wondering..."

• In case you were wondering what types of exotic foods I have tried, they have been limited to quail eggs and mutton. Let's just say I don't like change.
• In case you were wondering what I do in my spare time, I like to shake it to Missy Elliott.
• In case you were wondering what was inside the decrepit dining hall by my dormitory, it is now all piled on the sidewalk, chairs, ovens, everything. Perhaps it's "fall cleaning."
• In case you were wondering what I did this Saturday, I woke up at 7 am to teach English to a bunch of little Chinese kids for 3 hours. And all I got for my time was oranges... Green oranges. Actually, they were really, really cute 7-12 year olds that spoke English rather well. And I got paid. But the oranges really were green.

In the States, it seems that a lot of "individuals" like to get Chinese characters tattooed on themselves. It turns out that these people do not always know what their characters mean. Similarly, the Chinese like to wear clothing with English writing on it. It seems they are smart enough to avoid the ink, but they still end up wearing shirts that say anything from "babygirlfriend" and "i love engkuand," to complete and utter gibberish. If someone could please send me a giant red Sharpie to correct their clothing, it'd be much appreciated.

Lastly, my favorite questions from last week's English Corner, and the consequent answers that popped into my head, which I stifled...well, a few popped out.

• Do you wear cosmetics? No, my eyelids are naturally a shimmering cocoa shade.
• Do you think Shaquille O'Neal (pronounced something like Shakweel Oneer) or Yao Ming is better? Shaq. Seriously, haven't you heard of Kazaam?!
• Is China or Japan more important to the US? Well I like dumplings better than sushi...so, the US.
• Do you believe in the g-d? Yes.
• Do you REALLY believe in the g-d?! Yes... Why wouldn't I?

And my absolute favorite, said with the most incredulous expression...

• I have heard that you do not eat very much, why is this? Why do the Chinese eat so friggin much?!

Just picture 40 Jewish mothers, who happen to be Chinese, slowly leaning in while waiting for your apologetic explanation, and you will have a sense of English Corner.