It's A Miracle!!!

It was nigh improbable, but it has finally happened...A slight motivation to post on my blog has finally coincided with my internet actually functioning. And they said it would never happen...I returned from over 3 weeks of world travelling and arrived to an apartment that had not been cleaned in a month and a roach problem. I accredit this entirely to the Furies, who decided that my apartment need not be cleaned if I wasn't there to see it. Cheers mates. Let's see... I do believe my last post was from Shenzhen. Since sitting down and writing a post is equivalent to pulling out my own teeth, I'll just share the necessary highlights and intimate details of my travels.

After taking a 22 hour train from Shijiazhuang, we arrived in Guangzhou. We had a mere matter of hours to find a commuter train that would take us from Guangzhou to Shenzhen, so we stumbled off the train and started following the throngs in front of us. After a few minutes of bewilderment we heard someone up ahead to the left screaming about Shenzhen on a megaphone. After locating the ticket office for the commuter train I noticed that the person on the megaphone was rather talkative, annoyingly so even. Upon inspection, I discovered that it was actually two train station employees talking to each other, each on a megaphone, less than 10 feet apart. My head nearly exploded.

Well, we made it to Shenzhen safely, and in one piece, although I certainly can't say the same for most of our luggage. Apparently I had a little too much confidence in my 3 dollar suitcase that I purchased from a small storage unit/"store" in the small market next to my school. Within less than a week one of the wheels had somehow retracted inside the suitcase, rendering it into a one-wheeled wonder...or just a giant piece of crap. You really get what you pay for...damn. From Shenzhen we took an early morning ferry to Macau. It was great to be on the water, although the water was basically the color of asphalt. Oh, China.

We disembarked in Macau and were pleasantly surprised to recieve even more stamps in our passports than anticipated. Exiting the ferry terminal we noticed two things: 1) The weather was now a balmy 70 degrees and 2) the cars were on the wrong side of the street. The latter was only obvious after: looking left, stepping into the street, and instantaneous shock,which was accompanied by blaring horns and the sudden realization of our imminent demise. Oh, Macau. In this 'semi-autonomous' region they not only drive the wrong way, but they also speak Portuguese. It was quite an exciting change of pace not to hear Chinese coming from every direction...not to say that Chinese isn't the most pleasant and wondrously musical of languages. After being ripped off unbelievably at the food court of Macau's beautiful airport, we took our newly exchanged Thai Baht and settled down to wait for our plane.

Bangkok. Apparently they drive the wrong way in Thailand as well, but luckily we had practiced looking right, then left, in Macau. Within 30 minutes of arriving in the 'City of Angels,' I had managed to swipe my jeans for a breezy summer skirt, simply because I could do so without risk of frostbite. We managed to make it to our hostel in Bangkok without getting ripped off by the taxi driver as we had feared. However, it was a little difficult to find our new lodgings having only the few directions we had skimmed from the internet, which told us the hostel was "next to the Seven Eleven." (Note to readers: Do not stay at Big John's Backpacker Hostel unless you like rooms the size of closets, filthy bathrooms, and a jerk of an owner.) Little did we know, everything in Thailand is next to a Seven Eleven. It's a government mandate that there must be no fewer than 2 of said establishments on each side of one city block. That's a lot of convenience for one city! It was in the 'lobby' of Big John's that it dawned on me I would need to work on my conversation skills...This occurred to me after having met a young man from Sweden and immediately asking him his thoughts on the wonder that is IKEA. We had been advised that Bangkok's pollution was 'absolutely terrible.' This turned out to be an exaggeration seeing as Bangkok's air on a bad day is still better than that of Shijiazhuang's on a good day. We managed to bum around Bangkok for a bit, even visiting the world's biggest mosaic, comprised entirely by pieces of broken mirrors and ceramic bowls, aka The Grand Palace. It was incredibly beautiful, and rather shiny.

After 3 days of the country's capital we hopped on a train to Pattaya and arrived mid-afternoon. We boarded an open-air taxi, aka pick-up truck with bench seats in the bed, in preparation of being whisked off to our new accommodations. As we got into the city we noticed that the city of Pattaya certainly had a lot going for it in terms of beaches, restaurants, and bars and clubs...and Ladyboys. We spotted our first Ladyboy as they were weaving in out of traffic behind us on a motor scooter. It was the adam's apple that gave it away...And the masculine jaw. However, the taxi didn't stop in that ever-so attractive part of town...It kept driving, and driving...and driving, until we reached the edge of town, where our hotel was located. Okay, I exaggerate. We weren't on the edge of town, just really really close to it. (Note to readers: Do stay at the Jomtien Cozy Inn if you want an incredibly helpful and friendly staff.) We had fed ourselves, piled on SPF 8, met the Ladyboy cashier at the local Seven Eleven, and found a spot on the beach all by 3 o'clock. During the next couple days I accomplished several miraculous tasks: a searing sunburn, discovering the wonder that is Tom Kha Gai, spending an outrageous amount of money, and holding a lemur. In the words of myself, it was Friggin Awesome. After 3 days of Ladyboy and Hooker spotting, we dragged our suitcases along the scorching asphalt for several kilometers, on a scorching 95 degree afternoon, and caught a bus to Rayong.

We knew Rayong was known for its' beaches and not its' tourist attractions, so we hit the beach ASAP. I noticed that the beaches were different than those of Pattaya in that the sand seemed to have a strange texture...There seemed to be random holes all over the beach, surrounded by tiny rice-sized pellets of sand... And thus I encountered the crabs. From that point on, I no longer felt safe on the beach and had to stave off near-panic attacks every time I had to walk across that infested sand...My frail heart is not equipped for anything with an exoskeleton (other than a ladybug). After a few days of sunbathing and relaxing in Rayong, it was time to move on.

Somehow, we made it through several buses, taxis, and even a ferry and found ourselves on the lovely island of Koh Chang. Yes, I was on a tropical island. TROPICAL. We arrived at our beachfront bungalow at about 7 in the evening. Did I mention we had a Beachfront Bungalow? It was amazing, despite the ant infestation in the bathroom. Our time in Koh Chang passed in a relaxing blur of shopping, eating and sun-bathing. Our resort had a yummy restaurant and a wonderful waiter who could have been a voice-double for Fez from That 70's Show...Every morning we could count on him for a sweetly effeminate 'Good-morning' and even had the delight of hearing him practice his English by reading aloud a dialogue about interesting Pop Music. Maybe you just had to be there... Unfortunately, the beach by our resort was even more crab-laden than that in Rayong (I'm saying you can't walk on the beach without stepping on a tinyevilcrab...), and I was forced to sun-bathe next to the gorgeous Infinity pool that was a mere 20 feet from the Gulf of Thailand. It was a sacrifice I was willing to make... We managed to spend even more money on amazing jewelry and Chang Beer t-shirts and even found an Italian bakery where we could buy a hunk of Parmigiano Reggiano and ciabatta for 1 USD. On our last night we ventured to a little Italian restaurant, or trattoria, named Invito. The atmosphere was perfect...The night sky and warm ocean breeze were only slightly sullied by the bar full of hookers, next door, dancing and singing drunkenly to Sean Paul and Jay-Z.

In the end, facing the disaster that is the Chinese Train System, we chose to book a flight from Shenzhen to Macau and fore go the 20+ hours of train rides it would take to get home. However, I was a little careless with booking our flight and the flight time and the ferry-times didn't quite line up...Therefore, we had the privilege of walking over the Chinese border from Macau into Shenzhen. This was pretty cool for two reasons: 1) we were going across a national border on foot and 2) we had been under the impression Macau was an island...All I'll say is that maps can be difficult to read.

And now, here I am, back in the Shizz... What can I say that I've learned from my travels?

• It's incredibly difficult to use the bathroom on a Thai bus while it's moving, but it can be done.
• There are few things that can match the entertainment value and awe of spotting Ladyboys, especially when they hit on your male friends...
• The King of Thailand seems to be quite popular with his citizens.
• If a Thai woman is unusually beautiful, chances are that She's really a He.
• Although the food in Thailand is infinitely more varied and delicious than that of China, I still found myself craving fried rice and noodles at all hours of the day.
• There's always room for one more t-shirt in my suitcase.

GREETINGS FROM SHENZHEN!!!

We took a 10:30 AM train from Shijiazhuang, got to Guangzhou 22 hours later, then took a 1.5 hour train to Shenzhen and somehow managed to arrive intact at our hostel (although our luggage has suffered some collateral damage). Tomorrow it's an 8:15 AM ferry to Macau and a 2 PM flight to Bangkok...I am packing a skirt in my carry on and plan on wearing it within the first hour in Bangkok! To be continued...

I'm a travelling fool!

Here's the spring vacation travel itinerary for all of my relatives, friends, and internet stalkers out there:
January 22-27 The lovely mountains of Chengde (noted for their beauty and extreme COLDNESS)
February 2 - Train from Shijiazhuang to Guangzhou (A mere 20 hours! If only I had some Ambien... )
Feb. 3-4 - Making our way from Guangzhou to Shenzhen, then to Macau! (This is an island in the south of China, which I am hoping will be absolutely infested with those Macau birds. However, being somewhat underdeveloped in the "international know-how" department, this island may have absolutely nothing to do with those giant, fierce birds. ~5 minutes later~ I just checked Google...I was thinking of Macaws...Or Toucans... It's like you can just hear the wheels in my head turning slowly, very slowly.)
Feb. 4 - Air Asia flight from Macau to Bangkok (Macau's currency is the MOP, which stands for Macau Osomething Pataca...Whatever this "pataca" is - it sounds delicious and I'll have two)
Feb. 4-6ish - Bumming around Bangkok and trying not to get blatantly cheated out of our hard earned money.
Feb ish-18ish - Wandering around Central Thailand in search of: picture perfect beaches, legendary "Lady Men,'" and a gorgeous, flesh charring, tan. At this point in time, I feel it absolutely necessary to quote my father: "Most people don't realize it, but a tan is actually just the appearance of dead DNA in your skin, having been fried by UV Rays." I may have paraphrased.
Feb. 19 - Air Asia flight from Bangkok back to Macau.
Feb. 20th... - Who knows!!! From that point on we'll: slowly work our way back up from Macau, maybe stop by Hong Kong, most likely spend a lot of money, definitely spend all too much time on the absolutely terrible Chinese train system, and get schnockered.
Sometime in March - Returning to teaching. Cough Cough. English Corner will resume in March. Huzzah!

Now you must ask yourself... "Why did Hilary really divulge, in intricate detail, all of her travel plans?" And I shall answer your query. I shared this with you for the soul purpose of making you jealous of my 3 weeks of tropical island hopping madness! No thanks are necessary, it was a pleasure.

The state of my utilities...aka 'Pipe Problems'
-A few months ago I was taking a nap, as I often do. I was awakened by the sound of rushing water. I figured it was just the toilet running and fell back asleep to the soothing white noise. I was awakened 10 minutes later by a knocking on the door. On my way to the door, I walked by my bathroom and happened to notice a large pipe gushing water onto the floor at a rate of at least a few gallons a minute. It was a refreshing break in routine to say the least.
-I tend to put off doing my dishes. That's an understatement. So when I finally get around to it, I usually have to put in a good amount of time at the sink in my pink rubber gloves. One such evening, after having washed all 6 of the plates in my apartment, and various forks, knives, bowls, and chopsticks, I happened to notice that I was standing in a good inch of water. It turns out I can go for a solid 20 minutes before realizing that I am being surrounded by an ever expanding pool of water, which has several electrical appliance cords sitting in it...The situation was "remedied" when The Furies came with a mop in hand. However, Chinese mop technology is somewhat below par. Thus, the water was advanced from "puddle form" to "covering the entire kitchen floor" form.

I tend to "space out" every now and then...And when I realize where I am and what I am doing in this country, I'm always pleasantly suprised that my head doesn't explode from the shock.

Things that wake me up from well deserved naps:

• The loud speakers on campus blaring Celine Dion, Chinese Propaganda Overtures, and the Backstreet Boys.
• Cats. Cats who like to consummate their love. Again. And again. And again.
• Live artillery fire.
• The burning desire to...eat.

Apparently water is good for you. Too bad I don't like to drink it. Although, thanks to the toxicity of Chinese tap water, and my near-dehydration, I have forced my self to drink at least 2 cups of day. And thanks to Tang, it's bearable.

I am considering moving my computer to my bedroom, but then I would miss out on whatever exercise I get from walking between my bed and the sacred internet...Oh yes, I do burn a lot of calories strolling to the fridge.

Writer's block and sheer laziness have certainly been taking their toll. For the past few weeks I have been vegging out and watching the fifth season of West Wing. I've also managed to stuff myself at the TGI Friday's in Beijing and accidentally buy four pairs of shoes. Oops.

There are certain things you can do in China, that you can't do in America, and vice versa. It is these few niceties that make life all the more interesting, and beautiful.
Things you can only do in China:
-Stare at the sun for as long as you like, without damaging your retinas. As far as I can see, this may be the only benefit of the horrendous levels of pollutants that lead to dense grey smog.
-Feed 6 people a filling and sumptuous meal for under 7 US dollars.

-Comfortably pick your nose, hock loogies, urinate, and defecate in public.
-Buy movies before they hit theaters in the US. Thanks to this, and the abundance of Chinese food, everyday is Christmas for me.

Things you can do in the States, but certainly not in China:
-Cross the street safely.
-Start a war with Iraq.
-Speak your mind without fear of government reprisal.
-Eat General Tsao's Chicken.

Conversation of the Week:

(The following took place in a McDonald's, during lunch rush. The dialogue and names have been modified for my own amusement, but honestly reflect the content of the orignal exchange.)
Crock: I'm suprised none of us have gotten lice yet.
Jilary: Why on earth did you say that?
Crock: Well, everyone here seems to have it.
Jilary: I have no idea why you are saying this.
Crock: They all have those little white things in their hair!
Jilary: That's dandruff.
Crock: (Brief Silence) ...It looks like they have legs...

Update: China? Still here. Still bored.
Epiphany of the week: I was dining at the Kaixuanjinyue Grand Hotel when I spotted a fruit selection at the buffet. I recognized some tiny oranges that I had seen a girl eating, by the pound, on the train from Beijing about a week earlier. I decided to go a little crazy and try these miniature curiosities at the same time wondering what they could possibly be named. Upon peeling one, I realized I had seen a similar slice of orange adorning a piece of cheesecake at Thanksgiving several weeks prior. I sat pondering the citrus' similarities to a Clementine when I suddenly flashed back to a conversation with my students about Putonghua, or Mandarin Chinese. In case you haven't already surmised what my epiphany was, I shall spell it out for you. It took me over a month to realize that those "tiny oranges" I've seen everywhere across supermarkets and streetcorners are actually Mandarin Oranges... In my defence, I simply did not recognize them without their familiar aluminum and Dole "peels." I can only liken this experience to walking into a field of baby corn or seeing a legendary Spaminal in its natural environment, pre-molding and canning. No need to say anything, I know I'm a genius.

Happenings over this weekend (guess which are "stretching the truth" and I'll send you a child bride):
The Internet was out for a solid 48 hours.
Vodka. Lots and lots of it. Too much, my stomach might say.
I split the atom.
Being surrounded by Chinese men, all dancing as though they had walked off the set of "Night at the Roxbury."
I watched "Doogal." It was amazing. Oh wait, it wasn't.


Life in China has yet to regain its momentum. Luckily, we have stumbled upon a bar that offers free alcohol to all foreigners. Sounds fishy, right? Yes, I know exactly what you're thinking. I still have my kidneys. However, my liver is now somewhat atrophied. Turns out that whiskey goes great with iced tea. And so does vodka. But when I mixed the whiskey and vodka with beer, well, yeah.

Conversation of the Week...a.k.a. "Sometimes I Really Don't Think Before I Speak." This took place in my office when I spotted one of my Chinese friends carrying what looked like a blank exam.
Hilary: Hey Jordan, what are those papers for?
Jordan: Uhm...The party...
H: The Christmas Party?
J: No..uhm...
H: My birthday party?
J: No...it's the...I'm not sure how to say...
H: A New Year's Party?
J: No, it's...
Random Chinese Teacher: The Communist Party.
H: Oh. The Party.

"Hey Hilary, what brightens your day?" Presents!! Well, actually, the first thing that comes to mind is multi-colored chalk. There is no other sure-fire way to make me grin while I am teaching, than to hand me a piece of blue, green, or purple chalk. It's amazing. Yes, my priorities certainly have changed. Getting back to my point, I figure that most of my readers are now struggling with the conundrum of what to send Hilary for Chanukkah and her BIRTHDAY. Here are a few brilliant ideas, courtesy of yours truly:
-A puppy.
-A menorah and some candles. A lot of candles.
-An E-card.
-Ramen flavor packets. Preferably Creamy Chicken...Everything here seems to be either pork or seafood flavored.
-Microwave popcorn. Heavy on that fake butter flavor, please. They have Kit Kat's and potato chips here, but NO buttered popcorn for the love of g-d!!!!
-A sweater. A nice wool blend. Reindeer are optional, but appreciated.
-A mix CD. It's hard to stay up to date on the current hits in America. The Chinese are still stuck on the Backstreet Boys.
-Cold, Hard, Cash.
-An iTunes gift card. I really want to watch Scrubs. (Hey! No shipping necessary for this one, you can do it online!)
-A wheel of Parmigiano Reggiano. I am not joking. I would be eternally grateful.
-Sufjan Stevens. I'd really like to meet him.

Just in case...My address:
Dr. Hilary Dubinsky*
International Student Building Rm.101
Hebei Normal University
#469 Hongqi Dajie, Shijiazhuang,
Hebei 050091, P.R.China
*Interestingly enough, there are no laws in China that prevent me from passing myself off as a fully licensed Doctor. Glorious!

Here are a few things that crack me up, but may only be understood by those who have been to China, or have studied it:
-When the Chinese teachers at my school actually bother to talk to me, it's usually to ask for the explanation of a word (yes, some may call this a "definition"), or for help with pronounciation. The best word I have been asked about... Bourgeois. (Cultural Revolution, Hellloo!)
-There are dealers on every street corner in my city...However, they only seem to sell fresh produce and roasted sweet potatoes. It sure ain't Des Moines!
-It's not uncommon to hear English music, or Chinese versions of it, while wandering around China. I am subjected to Michael Jackson and the Backstreet Boys on a daily basis, thanks to the ultra-hip hair salon by my school. Yesterday, I was awakened by the The Furies, who were screaming "If you're happy and you know it," in the hallway. In Chinese, of course. While I was riding home one morning, my taxi driver delighted me with the instrumental version of "Dust in the Wind." It was nearly perfect except for the thousands of fireworks being set off on the streets which nearly drowned out the sweet notes of Kansas.

I gave my classes the task of creating their own ideal countries. Here are some of the utterly ridiculous things that came out of my mouth in the process:
"I want you to describe the culture and customs of your new country. For example, American culture is rooted in free speech and Chinese culture values friendship. Customs? Well, some Chinese customs would be eating rice...and wearing knee-high boots... You all really like to wear boots." (I am an idiot, but my explanation got the idea across to them)
"Your new country has intelligent robots that carry out all of your labor? Don't you realize that if you build intelligent machines that they WILL take over?!" (teaching is melting my mind)
"China? I think maybe you need a different name for your brand-new-never-heard-of-before country."

Teaching is a real power trip. On a weekly basis I have the privilege of giving students their very own English name. As a result, there are several more Emily's at my school. Now I know how Adam must have felt.

"Hey, Hilary. What have you been obsessively playing on iTunes lately?" What an excellent query! "Zorba the Greek," by LCD Soundsystem. "Of Angels and Angels," by the Decemberists...and, "40 Feet," by Franz Ferdinand.

As a teacher, I disseminate (<-Big Word Alert!!) all sorts of new and fascinating information to my students. Here are a few of the gems I have dished out that were met by dropped jaws and stares of indredulity (is that a word?):
-"Your blood is actually blue while it is inside your body, it turns red when exposed to oxygen. This may or may not have something to do with hemoglobin. I really have no idea."
-"In America, it's okay to take off your coat or sweater in front of other people." (It took me a long while to realize why my students gasped every time I took my sweater off. Turns out the removal of clothing is simply not done in public here.)
-"Nobody likes George W. Bush."
-"I don't celebrate Christmas."
-"You cannot drink until you are 21 years old in America."
-"Do not hug strangers in America." (This was instructed upon hearing of Free Hug Clubs in China)
-"Cleverer is not a word."
-"I think you need to change that word because it's like an adverb...or a modifier...or, yeah, you know." (I, uhm, did not pay attention in Grammar)

I know you're interested, so here are my thoughts on the current US news, in short. (most of which I read from IMDB):
-"There is that slight worry of hypothermia but it shouldn't happen. By hour 48 this is going to be really interesting." David Blaine. Suspended in some contraption, again. Douche.
-Michael Richards. Go the f@*k away.
-The Black Dahlia. Other than Josh Hartnett's tuchis, it has no redeeming qualities.

"Why haven't you been posting on your blog?!"
That's a great question! To be honest, life in China has been great lately, but rather boring. Thus, it takes me much longer to gather brilliant anecdotes than usual.

Here are some of the pretty much awesome things that are unique to my experience in China:
-The local KFC serves a Curry Potato Salad and a delicate Mushroom Soup in addition to Popcorn Chicken.
-I can get my favorite jeans expertly patched, during my lunch break, for forty cents.
-I get to live in a place with a bit more history than the cookie-cutter setting of Overland Park, Kansas.
-The local Pizza Hut is a sit-down restaurant, with a full menu, serving Waxberry Smoothies, Zesty Western Waffle Fries, and...Escargot.
-I can buy movies, that haven't even hit all the theaters in the US, for under a dollar.
-Chinese TV...
Okay, Chinese TV doesn't really do it for me. I only have one channel in English and it talks about China 95% of the time. To be fair, I am in China, so this makes perfect sense. But I still wanted to let you know a couple of my favorite quotes that I have overheard from CCTV9 (China's International station broadcast in China and throughout the globe!)... My absolute favorite, caught whilst I was watching a news piece on China's environment, "Some people think that China may have an air pollution problem." I don't even need to follow that with a quip. My close second, is from a Chinese documentary about the Olympic High-hurdler, Liu Xiang. The narrator had just described a preliminary event at which Liu had almost been snubbed out of third place, and into last place. Liu had been erroneously mixed up with another competitor, who was to be demoted to last place for stumbling at the beginning of the race. Long story short, Liu was nearly unable to clear this mess up, most likely because he was an unknown competitor and the event did not feel it was necessary to have a Chinese interpreter present, seeing as the first-time competitor was most likely thought to be unimportant and a non-threat to the other more famous competitors...But onto the quote! "This historic mix-up showed how little regard the rest of the world has for China's high-hurdlers." Maybe I am just being a total ignoramus, but I laughed for a good five minutes while trying to think of any country that immediately brings thoughts of high-hurdlers into my head. To be honest, when I think "China"...it is usually followed by an association with something like "Dumplings ," "Air pollution," "Super-Flexible Acrobats," or "Chairman Mao."

Classes are still going great. I am really settling into the whole "teaching" thing. Especially drawing up my own "lesson plans"...which usually happens when I am in the shower in Monday morning. Hey-I get paid the same whether I plan way ahead or just an hour before class. The best question in class last week was, "What is the name of the US Secretary?" To which I responded, "Which secretary? The Treasury?" It took a minute before my courageous student uttered "...The US Secretary...Lice." I swiftly jotted down "Condoleezza Rice" and returned to reading my fabulous book of short stories, Strange Pilgrims, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Okay, I lied. It took me a good 20 seconds to recall the name of the Secretary of State. Actually, I had no idea what her actual job in the government was and I totally lucked out because my student supplied me with "-ice"... and I may have spelled her name "Condoleeza." Who is one informed American? This guy.

My favorite question at last week's English Corner was, "What do you think of Michael Jackson's face?" Despite the barriers of language and culture, my inquisitive students were able to understand and appreciate my reply; "It's not really much of a face anymore, is it?"

One of my least favorite questions that I seem to face at English Corner, and all over China, is "Why don't you learn Chinese?" Here is how I handled one such conversation, by embarking on a dialectical journey of self-discovery that allowed me to unearth the true reason why I have not yet attempted to conquer "Zhongwen" :

Inquisitor: Why don't you learn Chinese?
Hilary: Chinese is very difficult.
I: I think English is very difficult, but I am still learning it.
H: Are you an English major?
I: Yes.
H: I was a Psychology major, not a Chinese Major.
I: But don't you still want to learn Chinese?
H: I'll be honest with you. I'm lazy.

In addition to discussing all the fascinating goings-on and thoughtfully executed inner-workings of the US government with my classes (which never happens unless I am backed into a corner by overly-curious students) I have also begun a "Hot Topic Discussion" segment with all of my classes. The first topic, which I chose, was cohabitation. This was probably a bad choice on my part, considering it is illegal for unmarried couples to reside together in China. But I had to rule out capital punishment and family planning/abortion, for obvious reasons, and I was in desperate need of a topic that my students could see both sides of. This of course led to one of my more enthusiastic students answering my rhetorical question of "What do you think of cohabitation?" with a loud shout of "I like it!" I have since decided to let my kids pick their own topics, of which some are great discussion-inspiring subjects (Nature vs. Nurture), and some not so much...(Is breakfast important?)

"Beijing was really cold two weekends ago." Now, how many of you can say that? Muahahaha! I am a bit of a travel snob... I know that was rude of me, but please placate yourselves with the idea that I will not have Papa John's for an entire year and have long forgotten what the delicate wonder of Charmin feels like.

They finally turned on the heat in my building! This miracle has led to these amazing conclusions:
1. Thanks to the radiator, under the counter in my kitchen, I discovered that M&M's are all the more delicious when pre-heated.
2. Thanks to the radiator in my bathroom, I have my very own towel heater-upper...although I do have to worry about starting fires this way.
3. And ultimately, I am able to fulfill my pledge to never wear clothes in my apartment... unless I have company over. Ha!

UPDATE!!! I can no longer access Blogger, even through my sneaky superhaxor routes...So I will be posting through a proxy, namely my lovely sister.

Phenomenon encountered daily on my way to school:
Crossing the Four Circles of Hell...aka crossing four lanes of swerving bicycles, snazzy black government VW's and Audi's, and large produce trucks (all of the aforementioned being steered by citizens on their mobile phones).
"Baby in a Basket"... The choice transport for small infants is bundling them in coats and blankets and then placing them in the baskets on the back of the swerving bicycles.
The Scent of Progress!! Also known as severe air pollution, this takes the forms of four unique smells in my neighborhood: McDonald's ice cream cones, Cannabis, Limestone, and marshmallows.

For the past two weeks I have had my students practice their Oral English by interviewing each other. Here are some of my favorite questions and responses:
Q. How many times a day do you stare at yourself in the mirror?
Q. Do you like your boyfriend? A. I don't have a boyfriend Q. ...Do you like me?
Q. Do you think you should lost weight?
Q. Who is your favorite super star? A. The Russian Prime Minister.
Q. If two people you knew were drowning, who would you save first? A. That is a difficult question...because I do not know how to swim.

There is some construction going on around my campus...Upon viewing the latest modifications I had to wonder to myself if it was such a good idea for them to knock down the entire first floor when there seems to be nothing supporting the second floor.

In case you were wondering if I've been keeping up with the latest in US news, yes, I absolutely have. For example, Neil Patrick Harris. I totally already knew that. Didn't we all?!?

Looking for cheap phone cards to call China? Well here's a great site to try! (I am shameless...)www.ecallchina.com
Before I came to China, Blogger was banned. Upon my arrival, it was un-banned (coincidence?). However, it is now un-un-banned. Therefore, I can still make posts through Blogger Beta, but I have to go through a proxy to view my blog. Yes, very exciting. Henceforth, I vow to only post the most critical points (seeing as it takes much too long to navigate the Chinese web and post). Therefore, it may take awhile to gather said material. Also, there may be many more spelling/grammatical errors (which I abhor!), seeing as I can no longer easily gaze at the culmination of my genius, for hours on end, which I am wont to do...
My diet to lose 10 pounds has been entirely successful...This is entirely owed to the fact that I have moved to a nation without readily available cheese. However, I have discovered the Nestle Crunch Bars at my campus convenience store. If I do not manage to restore my rotund-ness via chocolate and crisped rice, I plan on doing so upon my return to the States by visiting The Melting Pot, The Better Cheddar, and Dean & Deluca...many, many times. Family members, plan accordingly.
I dropped a black hairband on the floor yesterday. After seeing the state of the floor, I decided to throw it out. Of the hundreds of hairbands that I have owned and lost, this is the only one whose disappearance I am actually responsible for.
I long for November 15th! No, not just because it is the day before the birthday of my beloved siblings...On that blessed day, They will turn the heat on in my building. "And on that day, the Lord said there shall be heat. There was heat, and it was good." The propensity of large organizations (ahem, Drake) to delay the onset of heating buildings until late in the year can be owed to nothing other than wanton cruelty.
Early one Sunday morn, around say 8 in the AM, I was awakened by a loud, repetitive cracking noise. This occurred on a regular basis throughout the next hour of my intended sleeping period. Upon my cab ride home, my suspicions were confirmed. It turned out to be people lighting hundreds of small red fireworks. (Cultural note: This display represents good fortune for the multitude of Chinese couples who enjoy getting married on Sunday mornings)...Oh China!

Final thought:
It's rather easy to forget about the effects of the smoglight until blowing one's nose...or picking it...

And now for something completely different. I'd like to start with a little section called "You know you've been in China too long when..."

• "You know you've been in China too long when it doesn't phase you to see children defecating in the street, while their parents look proudly on.
• You know you've been in China too long when it doesn't occur to you that spitting out bad pieces of meat onto the table might be considered rude in some countries.
• You know you've been in China too long when 4 yuan (50 cents) for a chocolate popsicle is outrageously expensive, causing you to say "F*ck off" to the vendor.
• You know you've been in China too long when you have three adjectives, which you use to describe everything, because 95% of the Chinese are familiar with beautiful, interesting, and pretty.

While I was in Beijing, I went to the Great Wall. It really was Great, but just not in the way I expected. I was thinking it would be a rather fantastic, meandering ramp. Turns out the "untouched section" is more like an unending series of stairs, or deathtraps, that go up/down at about 89 degrees. I've never been much for geometry, I'm known for my daunting good looks and not my brains, but that's pretty steep, right?

Speaking of what I'm known for...I'm lazy. For this reason, and for some other good ones I can't remember, I decided to read Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree" to a few of my classes. They genuinely appreciated the story and felt a profoundly deep sorrow for that poor, giving tree. They even understood the symbolism of a capitalist society that takes and takes, and never gives. I could tell that I had really made an impact. Coincidentally, that afternoon the City Works Department trimmed the branches of every tree around campus to virtual annihilation.

Next we have "In case you were wondering..."

• In case you were wondering what types of exotic foods I have tried, they have been limited to quail eggs and mutton. Let's just say I don't like change.
• In case you were wondering what I do in my spare time, I like to shake it to Missy Elliott.
• In case you were wondering what was inside the decrepit dining hall by my dormitory, it is now all piled on the sidewalk, chairs, ovens, everything. Perhaps it's "fall cleaning."
• In case you were wondering what I did this Saturday, I woke up at 7 am to teach English to a bunch of little Chinese kids for 3 hours. And all I got for my time was oranges... Green oranges. Actually, they were really, really cute 7-12 year olds that spoke English rather well. And I got paid. But the oranges really were green.

In the States, it seems that a lot of "individuals" like to get Chinese characters tattooed on themselves. It turns out that these people do not always know what their characters mean. Similarly, the Chinese like to wear clothing with English writing on it. It seems they are smart enough to avoid the ink, but they still end up wearing shirts that say anything from "babygirlfriend" and "i love engkuand," to complete and utter gibberish. If someone could please send me a giant red Sharpie to correct their clothing, it'd be much appreciated.

Lastly, my favorite questions from last week's English Corner, and the consequent answers that popped into my head, which I stifled...well, a few popped out.

• Do you wear cosmetics? No, my eyelids are naturally a shimmering cocoa shade.
• Do you think Shaquille O'Neal (pronounced something like Shakweel Oneer) or Yao Ming is better? Shaq. Seriously, haven't you heard of Kazaam?!
• Is China or Japan more important to the US? Well I like dumplings better than sushi...so, the US.
• Do you believe in the g-d? Yes.
• Do you REALLY believe in the g-d?! Yes... Why wouldn't I?

And my absolute favorite, said with the most incredulous expression...

• I have heard that you do not eat very much, why is this? Why do the Chinese eat so friggin much?!

Just picture 40 Jewish mothers, who happen to be Chinese, slowly leaning in while waiting for your apologetic explanation, and you will have a sense of English Corner.

One morning, I heard a knock at my door, which I opened, only to find one of the evil Furies, who occasionally changes my sheets and gives me a lion's share of dirty looks. I welcomed her in, assuming she was there concerning my dysfunctional washing machine, which is so HUGE that it can wash two towels at once! But I was mistaken, as usual. Right behind her was a repairman who proceeded to my hall closet and then shut himself inside it. He eventually came out of it. Out of the closet...hehe... Moving on! Apparently my closet was broken, or there is yet another strange Chinese game that I have yet to participate in.

• The Chinese may not have a problem with pronouncing their R's and L's, but those W's and V's are certainly an obstacle. This impediment lends itself to endless amusement when speaking of "visiting" and "Volvo's."


• Have I mentioned how much I like Junior Senior (the music group)? Does that make me a flamboyant, gay man... Well of course not, I can hardly put together a fashionable outfit!

I was enjoying lunch with a couple of my Chinese friends when one of them offered to let me try her Thai Coffee. It was delicious, so I decided to be a total copier and buy my own. Perhaps I should have paid a little more attention with the "barista" was mixing my drink, because several pieces of "boba," that crap they put in bubble tea, ended up in my beverage. For those of you who haven't had boba before, they are spherical globules that I can only assume are made out of some gelatinous substance (please refer to Wikipedia for further details). I liken them to taking a sip of delicious, creamy coffee, only to find out that a homeless person has somehow simultaneously managed to spit a large chunk of phlegm into your mouth.

• In case you were wondering how well I am adjusting: I'm practically Chinese...except for the whole "I-don't-speak-Chinese" thing...


• I either need dye my hair black or learn how to say "What are you staring at?" in Chinese.


• I saw a yellow person walking on the street the other day. Literally. I am 95% sure she had Jaundice.

A few days ago, whilst strolling through the small, super dirty, market by my school, a small Chinese girl looked at me in astonishment. She then turned to her mother and exclaimed, "Mama, Yingouren!" This translates to, "Mom, there's an English person!" If only she had noticed my exquisite dental hygiene she would have surely known I was anything but English (Just kidding!).

• Shaving your legs is infinitely more enjoyable when using near-icy shower water!

On another note, I am still waiting for care packages...and also more comments on my blog, they really brighten my smog-lighty days! And just to brighten your day, I am going to throw in a fancy picture of my shower and the view from one of the many windows in my palatial estate!

Yes, I opted for the Two Shower Head model, don't ask.

The Chinese seem to like their food sweet, rather than salty or savory. When offered a "salad," it is then best to assume that it will be a sweet salad containing various fruits and a dressing. To explain more simply, a Chinese "Salad" typically consists of sliced apples, watermelon, and mayonnaise. Mayonnaise.


Beijing was great.


While in Beijing, when I was not splurging at the Silk Market, we stopped by a quaint local DVD shop, which I like to call Narnia. "Why Narnia?" you might ask. Well, in order to reach said DVD shop, one must enter a clothing store, proceed to a fitting room, go through the false wall in the back of the fitting room into a closet, and then make your way through a false wall in the back of the closet into a small, dimly lit, airless room, filled with thoroughly legitimate copies of American movies.
I constantly have the theme from Nickelodeon's "Doug" running through my head...So if you see me walking around humming "doodootdoodoo", don't be surprised. But don't worry, I don't plan on sticking underwear on my head and calling myself "Quailman" anytime soon...I shall save that for spring...

Mooncakes are a traditional Chinese delicacy that are produced and consumed to celebrate the fullest moon of the year, during the Mid-Autumn Festival. They are beautiful, round confections with elaborate designs printed on the top. They are stuffed with a variety of delicious fillings, such as Chestnut, Chocolate, and Egg. They usually taste like crap. Moon crap.

Upon receiving the news that I was accepted to CCEP, and would be spending the next year in the Middle Kingdom, I began to modify my speech. "Fried Rice" became "Flied Lice." "English Teacher" sounded more like "Engrish Teacher." I'm sure you can imagine my disappointment upon discovering that it is the Japanese, not the Chinese, who have a deal of trouble with their R's and L's.
In America, I would imagine that those who consider themselves to be quite fond of Chinese food may partake in this delicious Asian cuisine once, maybe twice, a week. I eat it every day. Every damned day. Just think about that.

Off to Beijing for the week!

Two posts in one day! It's almost like I don't have a job...

• In case you haven't figured it out, things in China don't usually happen like you would hope they would. This being said, I plan to purchase a large cow bell, which I shall wear aound my neck, just so that I can ring it every time something makes sense around here.
• My kitchen is not the cleanest (send Lysol) of places. One day, while hoping to reheat some fried rice, I discovered that the Chinese smoglight had solidified on the surface of my favorite bowl. That's not hot.
• I really miss Western food. Especially things with cheese and butter... that have been prepared in clean workplaces.

The following are two of my favorite conversations thus far in China. I have paraphrased for my own amusement and convenience.
Phone rings. 8 AM on Wednesday. Class doesn't start til 10 and I plan on sleeping in late.

• Jenny: Uhm, hello, Hilary?
• Hilary: Hello Jenny. How are you?
• Jenny: Uh, I am sorry to have waked you.
• Hilary: Oh no, it's okay.
• Jenny: Uhm, you know the president of our college wishes to meet you.
• Hilary: Oh really? When?
• Jenny: In one hour.
• Hilary: (oh phuck) Okay, I will be there at 9.

English Corner. Thursday, 7:10 PM.

• Jenny: Hilary, I uhm maybe have some bad news for you.
• Hilary: Oh no, what is it?
• Jenny: I have receieved a message from Mr. Zhang. He called when I was out, so another person took the message.
• Hilary: Okay...
• Jenny: You should prepare...uhm...800 Yuan to bring tomorrow.
• Hilary: What the !!*&#$&@!!

Because of conversations like this, I have found myself becoming increasingly upset at stationary objects. Anything lying on my floor should beware of my wrath.

• In America, if someone is walking around with headphones on, you usually wouldn't speak to them, especially if they were a stranger. However, in the Middle Kingdom, my desire to be incommunicado does not translate. This has lead to a number of irritating encounters with street solicitors.
• Around 10 AM, what I can only assume was rifle practice, began on the sports field outside of my window. Each time a shot went off, it was accompanied by the car alarm it had just triggered. Maybe this is why I don't get as much sleep as I used to.
• The Chinese in the Shizz have put a massive amount of time and money into landscaping their city. The city is covered by numerous topiary feats that blow my mind. However, having spent time in close proximity with a number of citizens while using public transportation, I can say that their desire to trim shrubbery does not translate to their own body hair.

All right, those of you who have spent more than a few hours with me, know that I happen to watch a fair amount of TV. This habit has carried over into China, even though most of the programming, 97.2% to be exact, is in Chinese. Due to the "barrier," most of my TV time is spent making cynical observations about the state of Chinese telemedia. Here's a few for your enjoyment:

• There is a Chinese version of American Idol, or a similar talent show, on TV almost 24 hours a day, on a variety of channels. I rarely watch these, unless the contestants are singing/dancing to English language music. A few days ago, whilst I was surfing instead of working, I heard a familiar ditty. "Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas. Having caught my ear, I turned my gaze to the screen only to see a scantily clad, and rather skinny, Chinese girl attempting to dance. My final conclusion? Chinese girls can't shake it.
• Chinese TV does not have those fabulous "Girls Gone Wild" advertisements after 9 PM, which is okay with me. However, they do have a number of other sordid infomercials. My favorite is for penis enlargement. Of course, I am only assuming that's what it was for, seeing as I don't understand Chinese. But the show did have a large number of men with giant grins, women in bathrobes surrounding them, and something suspicious in brightly colored boxes. Obviously an enlargement commercial.
• Chinese women are very close to being obsessed with having white skin. Most skin products here, lotions and cleansers, contain ingredients to bleach skin. It's a good thing I brought my Cetaphil! Back to infomercials, many of them are for skin products. Most are magic whitening lotions, but my favorite is for the chromed silver full face mask that gets rid of any facial imperfection, while turning your skin a shade of supreme whiteness.
• The two phenomenon I most often come across while watching Chinese TV are women crying, and montages. The Chinese really like montages. Almost as much as they like bicycles.

I finally got my mailing address woohooo!!! If you would like to send me ANYTHING please use the following:

Hilary Dubinsky
International Student Building Rm.101
Hebei Normal University
#469 Hongqi Dajie, Shijiazhuang
Hebei 050091, P.R.China

If you are perhaps wondering what I might like to receive in the mail, might I offer some suggestions? Okay!

• French Vanilla Crisp Pria Bars (Chinese "breakfast" doesn't cut it)
• Lysol Cleaning Wipes (please, my kitchen is begging you!)
• Spearmint Orbitz Chewing Gum (we all know how my breath is...)
• Cheese (I'm sure there is a stable Italian cheese out there that can withstand shipping and Customs)
• Ritter Sport's "Milk Chocolate Bar with Butter Biscuit" pleeeeease!!!
• anything that might brighten my day... Gold Kruggerands are also acceptable.
• if you send me a blank CD, and a SASE, I will send you ALL my pictures from China. Is that a deal or what!?

Over and out.

Payday was not nearly as exciting as hoped for. This was probably because I didn't actually get paid today. My paper work is just getting started in the system. This resulted in Jenny saying, "Maybe you get paid tomorrow, or Wednesday, or maybe Thursday." If food wasn't so darn cheap here I'd probably freak out. The highlight of the day, since there was no paycheck, was having clean sheets put on my bed. The suspicious tomato stain is now gone!
"Keep it secret. Keep it safe." At any given time in the evening, there is an English or American film on the television. However, whether or not the film is still in English, or dubbed in Chinese, is always fun to find out. For the last couple of days it's been LOTR. Golem still inspires pity in me and those dark horsemen make me want to hide under my incredibly uncomfortable bed. Back to the point! Turns out some English/American movies are much more tolerable when dubbed in Chinese. This is especially true for anything with Vin Diesel, Milla Jovovich, and/or vampires, in it.


About that mountain I climbed on Saturday...My legs are still aching something terrible. The pain is assuaged only by the fact that I totally peed on the side of the mountain. Ha! Take that Mount Xiantai! To be honest though, the mountain-side has been the cleanest public restroom I have encountered in this country.

Thanks to "Someone," who shall remain nameless, I have now most assuredly eaten pork. To be fair, the Chinese are quite deceptive and tend to tell me everything is chicken...those sneaky people! This has led to two developments/conclusions. 1. Pork tastes like chicken. 2. I no longer order Tang Su Li Ji...or whatever the hell that was.
There was a super scary looking bug, vaguely resembling a silverfish, that just skittered across my floor. I killed it. I'll let you know when the remorse sets in... I am relatively sure it came from the Paleolithic or Pre-Cambrian period, by way of Under My Bathtub. Time to buy some Raid...it's funny how they don't have Lysol or Clorox here, but they have plenty of Raid.
Since I finally got my new mouse to function, on my evil Chinese computer, I am now able to perform any task that requires clicking, highlighting and dragging. Yes, that means I can play Solitaire. Go ahead, imagine how this has impacted the time spent on my lesson preparation...
Being a teacher is not nearly as sexy as those music videos make it out to be...having been constantly covered in a coat of chalk dust for the last three weeks may well have forced me to that conclusion.
At any given time of the day, my bowels start to twist as though they want to jump out of my body. I attribute this to the red chili flakes they sneak into all the food here. Or maybe it's the fact that the market I lunch in has deplorable standards of sanitation. The thought of using a Chinese Squatty Potty is usually enough to make the feeling subside.

Well who woulda known there would be two sets of McDonald's, each right next to a UBC Coffee, within 2 blocks of each other? The answer to that question is, "Not I." And that is why I was lost and in a state of near panic for a good 20 minutes today. And that is why I was also forced to use a public telephone that I most certainly contracted something from. Let me point out that it was just "near panic" and not real "panic." My anxiety about getting lost, never to be found again, in the Shizz is getting much better.

It was a rather rainy day today. In the US, at least where I usually roam, that means that things get a bit of a cleaning and afterwards the city looks noticeably more fresh. However, here "rainy day" just means that the dirt and excrement that coat the streets gets rearranged a little. This usually ends with my having filthy feet. But then again, nearly every day does. My paranoia about the dormitory assistants being evil and surly was confirmed on Thursday. Jenny tried to ask them about setting up a date for someone to come work on my internet, and somehow ended up in a screaming match with them. Jenny is one of the nicest people I've met here, and puts up with my stupid questions, so that's just how malicious these ladies are. I shall now call them the Three Furies (even though there may be 4 of them).

Speaking of paranoia, I had a sneaking feeling that there was something dodgy about the taxi drivers here. Each taxi has a small certificate with the driver's name, ID #, and a photo. After taking a few taxis I began to think that a lot of the drivers looked awfully familiar, even though I've never been in the same taxi twice. I wondered if perhaps that racist ideology of "They all look the same" was at work in my small mind. Then I figured maybe the taxi company only had about five taxi drivers photos which they randomly put on taxi certificates. Then I circled back to thinking I was just plain ridiculous and of course the company would never do something like that and all of the photo ID's are unique and beautiful and matched with their driver. However, when I stumbled into a cab this morning, glanced at the familiar Chinese man's photo on the ID, and then saw a long-haired woman driving, I knew that my suspicions had been correct all along. Brilliant!

English Corner. Holy crap. Thursday night from 7-9 I was literally encased by a solid circle of 20-40 Chinese students. Here are a few of the questions I was asked, repeatedly: 1. Do you speak Chinese? 2. Do you want to learn Chinese? 3. Why are you in China? 4. Do you have a boyfriend? 5. Would you marry a Chinese man? 6. Do you want to see a movie with me? 7. Can you teach me to be a better English speaker? 8. Do you like Chinese music? 9. Do you like Chinese food? 10. Will you be going to the 2008 Beijing Olympics? 10. Is your hair color natural? and my favorite... 11. How many children do you have? I like to assume that the last question was merely a misphrasing of "How many children do you want to have?" because I was asked that after staring in astonishment when being asked the prior. However, it could just be because I have a tummy. Jesus. The answer to most of these questions was no. My favorite comments of the night were: 1. I like your hair. 2. You are the most beautiful foreigner I have ever seen... and, 3. I think you should exercise.

And in case you were wondering what I did on Saturday morning, I climbed a phucking mountain. To the top. Using uneven stone stairs. My calves now feel as though they've been bludgeoned repeatedly with stone mallets. So, I guess the students were right, maybe I should exercise. Anywho the mountain was lovely and enshrouded with a slight mist, although, it could have been smog...
I have a new name for the daylight here. It's "smoglight." And, yes, I am in process of copyrighting "smoglight," so back off.
On my cab ride home, the driver made fun of my Chinese pronounciation of "shenme?" meaning "what?" I was in a good enough mood, thanks to a piece of toast and a milkshake, that I was able to laugh with him, rather than glower at him.

If you care, I should be throwing up more pictures within the next couple of weeks, just as soon as I can get the university to install a copy of Windows XP that isn't in Chinese. I also had the most delicious eggplant in the world on Saturday. In some parts of the world, this food is known as "Aubergine." Then again, in some parts of the world they eat their young. I'll stick with "eggplant."